Mish-mash, Scatterdash


I haven’t written in about twenty days, though I had full intention of getting back into a regular practice of writing. The old adage of best laid plans comes to mind. It isn’t that I have nothing to write about, oh there is no shortage of that. Maybe the problem is that there is too much or that I have things to say, but get tired of those with opposing viewpoints trying to shout me down. So this blog is going to just embrace the image of thoughts on a cloudy day and just free flow.

There has been so much going on lately, in work life, private life, spiritual life, okay, not so much spiritual but that is the next reunification. I will expound on that thought later.

Work has gotten somewhat better. I was moved to a new team. This boss came from engineering so better understands the pressure and stress we are under to deliver, but he is also under fire all the time, so at least we commiserate. I had sent our CEO an email advising him on my progress since the announcement to the company and how it has been mostly positive. For the most part, everyone just shifted to my new persona without missing a beat. He actually wrote a lovely email back acknowledging all I had told him and thanking me and saying how happy he was that the company as a whole was accepting and supporting. Hmmm, now if I could just get his ear about all the hours, but that is for another time.

We have had so much to deal with lately, but we keep going. I think at this point the farm becomes our rudder and helping us to keep focused. At least the farm is doing well. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law came over last weekend and they helped Cindy get the chicken coop sealed up so that it will keep the chickens sheltered in the winter. That was a huge help. I was really not feeling up to it and had a late afternoon appointment, so I was not much help, but when I came back, the coop was all finished. Now if we can just get the chickens to lay more eggs. It is winter though, and cold, so I will cut them some slack.

I had submitted the form to my doctor to sign off so I could get the final piece changed over, my birth certificate. Unfortunately, you have to have the doctor certify that you are in the process at least. Unfortunately, I found out today that the doctor has not signed it nor will as she has referred it to their legal department. That, of course, went up my spine. I just don’t get how I, at 58 years of age, need someone else to approve who I am. I hope to hear soon, if not, I will address it with the AG Maura Healey at the conference next month.

When I think of it, right now, it is mostly the long work hours and that hold up on paperwork that are irritating while there are many other positives.

During the past year or so, I have been basically spiritually bereft. With all that has happened to me, it was very hard to believe in anything. Given the current incoming administration, I still find it hard, but I can put that aside. Of course, speaking out about that person others elected to lead us gets me slapped down a lot, but I am only speaking what is in my heart. I do not like the man, never have. That may be another topic though as I was trying to take this to a positive spin.

So I have been asked to speak on shamanism. I had studied shamanism for a number of years. I have also studied Native American healing ways, the ways of the Aztec Curandero/a and the Inca Laika as well as many other healing ways. I do not profess to be an expert or even claim to be a shaman or healer, but I do know a few things and can guide others. This will be a return to the spiritual path I was on many years ago.

When I first came out back in the 90’s I was seeing a psychologist in Fairhaven. She noted that I had spent most of my life living to what everyone else wanted me to be so that I was lost to who I was. Every time she would ask what I thought or felt about something, I would preface with, “Well everyone thinks I ….”. She would stop me and say, I didn’t ask about them, I asked you. That led to some interesting insights. One of which was to find my own spiritual path. As Gautama Buddha, Siddhārtha Gautama, once said, “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” Now mind you, I was raised Catholic and was one step away from being a priest. I had even spent two years as a Youth Minister. Yet, I found more truth in that passage than I ever did in the NIcene Creed. So given this new insight into myself, I decided to seek out my own spiritual path.


Given that I was of mostly Irish descent, I decided to check out the Druids. It was an interesting foray that at times was unsettling. I still have an aversion to St. Patrick because of it. Despite feeling a familiarity, it still did not feel like home. It was almost like I knew in my heart and soul all of it, but while close, it didn’t strike home. Of course, it didn’t help to know that modern Druidism is based on the ancient ways but certain people, {cough Catholics cough}, had destroyed most of the history, it was hard to tell if it was a true representation. So I continued on my search for my spiritual home.

Somewhere along the line, I learned about Shamanism. I began to study in earnest. I even went on a few retreats. Probably the best was with Sandra Ingerman at the Kripalu Center in Lenox, MA. I tell you, that was the strangest weekend but opened a door that has never really shut. Of course the best part was my 1-1s with Sandra as we both needed our morning coffee and would go to the bookstore to have coffee while everyone else was in the cafeteria having tea or whatnot. I think that because of that encounter, I dug in to learn as much as I could. I soon devoured books by noted American Shamans, Harner, Villoldo, Moss and Corbin and so many others. I am still friends with many including Ev Rysdyk.

I really decided to let go and let God, and frankly that is when things really started to happen. I soon got involved with not one but quite a few Native American groups. I soon was reading and learning about Native American culture. I also soon learned, never ever, call a Native American healer, a shaman. A shaman is an Eastern European healer. Sociologists and Archaeologists chose to lump all indigenous healers under that umbrella term, but it is disrespectful. An Inca Laika or Aztec Curandero/a, or a Native American healer or Medicine person is not a shaman. There may be similarities in methodologies, but to be respectful, always ask.

I spent a number of years learning about Native American culture. I think mostly from my Cherokee and Lakota friends, but also from Assinabone, Paiute, Wampanoag, Creek, and Blackfoot. As I learned, I gave back and brought some of what I learned to the groups we were in. To this Little Wren and Bear Warrior noted and gave me the name Unega Waya, White Wolf. In Cherokee tradition, the wolf is a pathfinder and teacher. They saw that I would go out and learn but come back and share. They told me that I held wolf spirit. Interesting enough, when I was studying shamanism and went journeying in search of my animal guide, it was the wolf.

I have to chuckle because this blog started as a meandering, but you never know where your mind will take you.

Now that I am free of he burden of identity and know who I am and what direction I am heading, I feel it might be time to return to that spiritual path that I stepped off of when I fell into darkness. I really enjoyed this path as it brought many wonderful people into my circle. It would be interesting to see if my power to bring healing is increased now that the burden of identity is removed. It is said that prior to European invasion, many Native American cultures embraced transgender people. The were called Winkte or Berdache, Two Spirits. They were seen as powerful healers.

I don’t know as I embrace that I am a powerful healer. Rather I choose the teaching of the great Lakota medicine man, Fools Crow. I chose to be the hollow bone. Fools Crow did not believe that he was powerful. He was humble in that way. Rather he believed that he was merely a conduit or hollow bone for the healing power of the Creator to flow through. I think it is in his humility he gained the greatest power.

Thinking back to the 90’s and my psych sessions, I remember Barbara telling me how I was self-deprecating to a fault. I kept telling her it is a tool to keep me humble. I never wanted to get to the point of believing the positive things people said about me. I was no big head.

I had so many things rambling in my head that I wanted to put out here tonight. However, sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I have been asked to speak on shamanism in January. I was thinking of this and how I was to present. I am also doing a workshop at a transgender convention in January, so a lot to think about and focus on. Yet, I think it is time to return to my spiritual path and reconnect. Not that I have totally disconnected, but given my situation, there were times I had to wonder. I never gave up on the idea that we are all connected. I never gave up on the idea that we need to live in harmony and balance. It is part of my DNA.

I could go on and almost write a book just on the things I learned as I took that turn toward Druidry and then shamanism, Native American culture, indigenous healing and onwards. Mind you, I never left the teachings of Jesus. I think that our culture has perverted those teachings. I think that our culture screams about how we took the Christ out of Christmas, all the while stomping on the person next to them to get the new hot toy or electronic. Yeah, I didn’t see that in Jesus’ teachings. Jesus embraced wisdom from many places. There is a Gospel of Issa that speaks of Jesus’ time in India learning under the Brahmans. There are the teachings of Jesus found in the Gnostic Gospels, deemed heretic by the Catholic Church. Why are some Gospels of Jesus okay but not others? It is all about the narrative and control of the populace.

As I try to return to a scholarly pursuit to gain as much wisdom and knowledge so as to impart the same to others, I share with you a Hindu teaching, “There are many paths up the mountain. The only one not getting to the top is the one who runs around and around telling everyone else they are on the wrong path.” Think on that for a bit.

In our current paradigm we are taught to hate. Other beliefs are misrepresented so as to empower one group over another. It happens on all sides. We must learn to discern the hate and to glean the wisdom from what is being said, or sometimes not said. There was an interesting book I read that brought together the various wisdom paths. It was called Seven Masters One Path.

 I refer back to Gautama Buddha’s teaching. Know what is in your own heart and follow your own path. We spend our whole lives dictated to as to what to believe or know. The greatest way to light and wisdom is to keep your heart open to all teachings and experiences. Listen to your heart and let it guide you.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit,

About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on blogger.com for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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