So going to do my last KJ job. I started KJ’ing as a fundraiser for the local Masonic Lodge. I have been treated to many amazing voices through the years. I especially love when I hear an amazing young voice and I tell them to keep working at it. Who knows, maybe my little bit of encouragement might inspire the next Pink, or Mary Chapin Carpenter, or Grace Slick. Hey, it could happen.
I have been doing a friend’s pig roast for the past few years. The Make A Fool of Yourself Night I think went ten years. As I am unsure of my life going forward, I think it is time to just withdraw and tend to myself for a while. My marriage is coming to an end. I am not 100% sure where I am going to end up. I am inching towards Plymouth, but until we finally sell off the farm and the house, I can’t go anywhere.
It really is bittersweet, ending all of this. When I started Make A Fool of Yourself Night, we grew that and made thousands for the Lodge’s charity funds. About two years or so ago, I was in tears as we broke yet another record for fundraising. Last year’s was not so good. There just didn’t seem to be the energy behind it. Of course, the turnout was low as the date had to be shifted.
Music has always been a part of my life. I always aspired to play guitar. Oh, I can play some, but not enough. I was mostly hoping to write songs. I did a few. I remember writing The Good Old Days. The chorus went something like, Nowadays they’re running wild, you can’t keep up with the latest styles, things will never be the same, you’ll find love is a computer game.
So I will go and play music and Karaoke for the folks. I will enjoy the pig roast and all the great food and drink. I will listen to a lot of great voices and some not so great. LOL. Hey, Make A Fool was built on the premise that there would be at least one Fool. I used to give awards for Best Male performer, Best Female performer, Best Duo or Group, and Fool of the Night. After ten years though, it has run it’s course and I think the Lodge will come up with something new. I kind of wish they would bring back the Cook-Off. I have many aprons from that and have come in close many years.
Change is always hard for me. I am not looking forward to the disorder that is to come. I was diagnosed with Aspergers and when I am uncomfortable or upset, I start to rock. I have been doing that a lot. It gets worse venturing into the unknown.
I want to thank all who supported me, especially when I was running the Make A Fool of Yourself Night and throughout my life. I thank MaryAnn for giving the opportunity to bring my joy of music to others at her event. I don’t know what the future holds. I have had to fight the demons of darkness and have had to see my counselor a few times. I just keep telling myself it is just a moment in time and take one more step forward. I look back at all I have gone through and where I am now and know it would be a travesty to end my life at this point. I will keep pushing forward and hopefully, I will get to the other end of the swamp.
As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.
Emma
Thoughts On A Cloudy Day 
Love to you Emma as you continue on your journey.
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Thank you Marie. Struggling at the moment. Lost two people in as many days.
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I started following your blog some time ago, let’s say when you were living another life. I still get the notifications when you post and I read what you have to say about your beliefs and the process you’ve undergone. It’s honestly mostly out of morbid curiosity in the sense that there’s not a lot of first-hand experience out there to inform people about what goes on in the lead-up to, the event, and what comes next in gender reassignment. I think back to the documentaries I’ve seen and how they gloss over the aftermath of this major life alteration. They tie it up nicely in this pretty little package and don’t really follow up, or discuss that this person still needs to live their life – and that life has its difficulties beyond gender conceptualizations.
I can’t in good consciousness hide that I am on the opposite side of the social and political spectrum that you are on. I am that Saved, Christian, Evangelical, Republican, Straight White Male your community organizer warned you about – but I’m going to tell you to keep writing this blog.
If there is a secular profound truth in this life it’s that writing is therapeutic. For you to say that you don’t want to write anymore, and then also state that you’re struggling with whatever thoughts you’ve had, I’d suggest you reevaluate that plan.
This whole journey you’ve gone on was supposed to at least address and correct some of the problems you’ve had in your life. To your credit, you’ve never claimed that it was a cure-all. You’ve suffered from depression, self-image problems, and the overall “What’s all this mean?!” questions that plague everyone. There are those who admit as much, and then there are liars. Your path is one such that our increasingly liberal culture embraces, but doesn’t hit on what comes next. I think that’s your responsibility to your readers. You can’t just walk away from them any more than you can walk away from yourself…
In your last post, you talked about the manner in which your life has changed, and it makes you sad. You’ve gone on this radical journey, made serious irreversible alterations to your life and body but your depression is still there, and from what you’ve described it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get any better, at least anytime soon. Your marriage is over, you’re losing your house and your farm, and even the basic staples in recreation you’ve enjoyed are changing. People who haven’t gone through what you’ve experienced are going to be depressed when they are faced with issues you’ve described.
Read that last line again, and understand that your grief and your frustration are valid.
If we were to look at the biggest stressors in our modern lives, divorce is a major one of them. The sin of divorce aside (guilty myself), it’s one of the most stressful events a person can go through, and you’re considering abandoning the people who follow you when they may be faced with that very issue themselves? You’ve handled the process of gender-reassignment, but not the aftermath. The true change to life that’s at hand that you’re going to blind them to. You’ve talked about the desire to be a mother, but any parent wouldn’t lead children to a major life alteration without proper counsel and advice. It is ESSENTIAL that you continue writing about that.
Now that argument might sound strange coming from a guy like me, but consider the idea that it’s AA and NA that councils people after they’ve been through alcohol and drug dependency. It’s not Johnson & Johnson or Anheuser Busch. You owe them that because you’ve added to the encouragement. The 19-year-old kid I work with who is dealing with this looks to someone like you because they have ignored the otherwise good council they’ve received, or it’s been drowned out by the 24/7 information cycle that popular culture with its liberal editorial slant puts out into the world. Believe me, I don’t want them to make the decision you’ve made any more than you want them to vote Republican or own a gun. But they are looking to you for guidance and inspiration, you can’t leave them hanging.
You made a statement in your post about ending your life, which I hope you never do. You owe it to them, your family, and yourself, to see this thing through. And you need to keep writing about it. Writing is good for your mental well-being. I can sit here and preach Jesus to you, but if your heart isn’t willing to receive the message it’s meaningless. I hope that changes.
In the meantime, you cannot allow your readers to go without that council. You could have led someone here and if they are left hanging what will they do next? Whether it’s goodness in this life, or ill in this and the next, you owe them an answer. If nothing else it would make for a great book addressing these issues. You could literally copy-paste this entire blog into a fantastic book because the topic itself, regardless of political or spiritual stance, is fascinating. Amazon has some really awesome outlets on self-publishing I’d recommend.
Above all else, know that God loves you.
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Thank you so much for your words of empowerment and strength. I have my moments but know that I have to keep pushing forward. It helps to illustrate to those who follow, that you will have those moments but you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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