I have been in counseling off and on for decades. One thing my counselors noted and try to reinforce in me when I get to low points is how many times I have risen higher than I was before, after being beaten down. I try to cling to that when I am going through down periods. I am really struggling lately. A month before my surgery, Cindy advised that she had been thinking about separation for a year. Like I needed that additional stress before surgery, but it was in response to my mentioning that we should move the rock wall back to allow for more parking in the front. She advised me at that time that she was planning on shutting it all down. I have mixed feelings about it. While I will be happy not to shovel shite twice a day, as well as the back issues especially during herd health or shearing as I usually wrangle the alpacas. I have ended up on my butt more than once. I also always felt like I couldn’t go far from home as I had a responsibility to ensure the alpacas had a clean environment. Still, shoveling shite in all kinds of weather was never fun. What I will miss is my connection to the alpacas. I assisted in the birth of Honeybun who was our first born on the farm. She has really grown into a beautiful young lady. I really am attached to Gibbs and Kate, though after naming Kate, Cindy decided to change it to Katarina. I still call her Kate and she comes up to me and nuzzles me when I am out there cleaning. I will miss the alpacas that is for sure.

I will be going down to Fall River tomorrow to check out an apartment complex. I have mixed feelings. I was born in Fall River and raised in Tiverton, Rhode Island. I still have family in Fall River and most of my siblings still live in Tiverton. Fall River is a small city and an old mill town. I still know my way around but miss some of the usual haunts I liked. China Royal or as we knew it China Dinah, is long gone. I will have to find a good place to get my Chow Mein Sandwiches.

I haven’t lived in Fall River since before Cindy and I married. I moved to her home in North Attleboro just before we got married. I used to live in the North End by Airport Road. It was a decent area. I could walk over to Shaws to do my shopping. There was also a little Chinese restaurant in the plaza. Of course, I had the pizza shop right next door. I might end up back in that area, but the place I am looking is in the Highlands. I can still walk to the little plaza with a McDonalds and Newport Creamery. There is a liquor outlet there but it appears it changed hands and is no longer Liquor Warehouse. They had great prices, so I will have to check in. There is also an Ace Hardware so I can get things to fix things up. There is a CVS there also, so my prescription will get moved there if I end up getting the place I look at tomorrow. I also saw that Market Basket is there at what used to be the Harbour Mall but is now Southcoast Marketplace, I think the name is. I think the theater is still there but updated and some decent restaurants. I did drive by the Chinese buffet place I used to take my kids and it is still there. I may have a bit to drive for other places. I see Dartmouth Mall has a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, so a quick trip out there after I move. I can just order everything in these days though. I could hit Gumbos if I go out to North Dartmouth. I used to take the kids there too.

I have been married for a long time. I like being married, but Cindy and I really have diverged over the years. It’s not a bad thing, just the way things happen. We really used to love going out to eat together and traveling. I will always love the adventures we have experienced. We started with our honeymoon and a trip to Bermuda. It wasn’t the best as we went in between hurricanes so the swells were horrendous. The deck would come out from under your feet. Cindy really took ill. We hit Bermuda and the dock works. taxis and buses were on strike. I managed to get us a scooter to tool over to Hamilton. We did get to Crystal Caves, and a few other spots. We also got out to New Mexico and visited Chaco Canyon and Alberquerque after staying at the Nora Dixon B&B. We circled around the area going out to Gallop up around Los Alamos and then back down to the hot springs in Jimenez. We followed up that journey with one out to Sedona and a return trip the following year. We spent our tenth year anniversary on a tour of the four corners. We started in Las Vegas and then went out to Mesa Verde,  through the Ute Nation and over to Lake Powell and then on to Utah, Bryce Canyon. We then returned back to Vegas for our last night of that trip. It was amazing.

We shared a lot, but both of us have changed a lot. We are getting to the point where we have more differences than likes. Like me liking hot and spicy while she is happy with more mundane foods. I also love my Chinese food, but she isn’t as much a fan.

So, I am not so keen on living alone again, but then again, the book above notes that we can reprogram our brains. I have been working towards that by reminding myself that I will be able to just stop at a restaurant if it piques my interest. No more worries about having to get home and shovel poop and taking care of the alpacas. My back will like that. If I am in the mood for Chinese, I can have it. If I want to go back to Sedona, take some time from work and schedule a flight. Though I probably won’t do that one. I am not adverse to flying alone, I did that for many years working for Georgia Pacific. I supported half the country from Waxahachie, Texas to the East Coast. Maybe I can plan a trip to Memphis and finally see Graceland and Beal Street. I went there many times for GP, but after long days pulling cable and rewiring the plants, I would be sweaty and tired and just wanted dinner and bed.

I may use the time alone to reprogram myself too. I used to have a voracious appetite for books. I have a large stack of books to catch up on.

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know where I will end up. I agreed to stay on until the end of the year. That is just a few weeks away now. I feel the anxiety build at times, but just keep talking to myself to get through it. Reprogram the brain. That is tough.  I have survived. I keep rising and reinventing myself.

My Cherokee friends used to tell me Stiyu, be strong. I will just keep going forward.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma