Not a Life Choice – New Beginnings


It has been an interesting time. For those who have been following, you know that Cindy advised back in May, that we would be separating. She said that she planned to shut down the farm and we would go our separate ways.  I was asked if I would stay on to help until the end of the year. So come December, I was looking for an apartment. I originally was looking towards Plymouth, but in the end, I returned to the place of my birth, Fall River, Massachusetts. Yes, I was born in the same town of the infamous Lizzie Borden.

I do miss Cindy, the alpacas, and the dogs, especially Jazzie. Cindy says she wants to stay friends and do things together. It was decided to get a Uhaul and move me on New Years Eve. It went very fast. We went back to the farm after to celebrate our last New Years Eve at the farm. We played the game, That’s What She Said and had a few drinks. I retired early as I was exhausted.

When I got up the next morning, I put a few more things in the car to take and left for the final time.

The first few days were rough. I found myself waking at 2am and unable to get back to sleep. It was fortunate that I took the whole week off. I also had to wait until that Friday to get my self-install kit from Comcast, despite it being ordered before the 31st.

I think the first night I got almost a full nights sleep was the third night at the apartment. I think, by then, I was just really exhausted. It is taking time, but slowly I am getting into a cycle where I can sleep most of the night. It might have just been a new environment, but I also have to admit to feeling like a discard. I posted on Facebook :

I have come to the realization that I will never have love. I am destined to be alone for my lifetime. Unwanted, a discard.

I received such an outpouring of love and support from that short message. I had hit a nadir. It was time to call upon the spirit of Boudica, the warrior queen, and Ceredwyn, the keeper of the cauldron of knowledge to empower me. I absorbed the love sent to me and responded:

I am okay! It has been a hard few days. As one with Aspergers, change is hugely disruptive. Add to that the depression that comes from the end of a relationship, dark dreariness in the house because they have underpowered lighting and it feels like darkness is embracing you. Last night, I hit a nadir. The combination of the darkness around here with the lack of sleep over the past few days and top it with a couple of glasses of wine and bam. I apologize if anyone became worried. Please know that I am in a better place this morning.
Somehow I managed to battle the insomnia last night. I woke at 2am again last night, why 2, who knows, but this time I got up and hit the bathroom and then crawled right back into bed, rolled over and willed myself back to sleep. I woke again at 5a and said no, rolled over again and slept until 6a. I feel a bit groggy, but more rested. I have an electrolysis appointment in Plymouth at 11a. I may meet with some friends who I met when they came to take my tour at the farm, and go for lunch.
This is a huge adjustment for me. I was in a routine everyday where I was out in all kinds of weather shoveling alpaca poop at 6a. I said goodbye to all the alpacas and especially giving Hottie and Kate kisses. I fixed the blanket on Zorro to keep the cold off him. He is our old guy and mostly skin and bones. Our, heh, it will take a while. I miss Jazzie, our little ausiedoodle. I took her for walks during the day and she was always full of love and joy. Of course, she loved to devour books. Not read, just devour. LOL. I have my memories. I will miss giving my lecture on the farm. I really enjoy teaching others. I admire teachers like my friend Susan Aileen and my step-mom, Muriel Croft, They empower through education. We really need to step up and fully fund education.
Now that I have had a good nights sleep. I hope to get back into some kind of rhythm and sleep the nights through. Once I have some good rest, I will become stronger. The love and support I have seen here is truly how Facebook and other portals like it, should be used. That was the way it was with other places I was involved in like Zaadz and Tribe. I had a group on Tribe where I shared what I learned from the teachings of the Native American culture. We really do need to return to living in balance with the land.
So I move forward. I embrace the spirit of the warrior queen, Boudica. I embrace the spiritual guidance of Ceredwyn, keeper of the cauldron of knowledge. I embrace my Buddha spirit and will continue to work for peace, balance, and harmony. I choose to empower. I am Unega Waya, White Wolf, I am the pathfinder and teacher. I embrace my wolf spirit and will use its strength. I will rise like the phoenix!

I continue to grow stronger. I thank all who have offered their support. I plan on going back to the farm Saturday afternoon and will drop off some boxes, the dolly, and some packing blankets so that Cindy has them when she is ready to move. I will also grab the coats I left in the closet by the door. I realized that I just left with the sweater and it got cold the past few days.

Change is hard. It is especially so for people who have Asperger’s. I was really struggling, but by settling into routines, it is helping. The other thing that helps is my familiarity with my surroundings. I know most of the streets and some restaurants I knew are still around, especially the St. James Pub, an Irish pub that is still there!

Funny, I know a lot of the restaurants around but yet, I struggled to leave tonight. I was debating ordering a pizza, or maybe Chinese, in the end, I made my comfort food, Seafood Fra Diavlo. Plenty enough heat to clear my sinuses. I hope to soon get a grill so I can go back to cooking outside. I haven’t had a steak in a while. I prefer cooking those on a grill. I prefer my ribs on a grill too, but settled for some bone-in rib cuts. I have most of my rubs and sauces, so grilling will be a must. I do have to get out. I don’t want to become a hermit. I plan on taking my Mom out to breakfast on Sunday. Step by step.

I also found out that my PCP left his practice. I had reached out with my change of address and change of pharmacy. They told me he was no longer with them. Nice, they couldn’t notify their patients? So, I have reached out to the facility right next door and have an appointment with a new PCP in February. I won’t have to take a day off to go to a doctor’s appointment. Though, I may for the initial visit to ensure time to fill out all the paperwork.

I share all of this so that people may be informed about the potential ramifications of following your heart and embracing the real you. Granted, Cindy wants to stay friends and best friends, but it did end all that we had built at the farm. Time will heal.  Of course, moving to Fall River means that a Popeye’s is only fifteen minutes away. LOL. Hey, trying to find the bright side. Oh, and I can get a chow mein sandwich here too. The things we remember from our childhood.

I am okay. I will survive. I will have my moments and some low points. I think that loneliness can do that. The apartment complex has a portal where people can sign in and join groups. Unfortunately, it appears that no one takes advantage of this. I heard that they have events here to bring people together, but so far, nothing. I posted in a few groups, but only got one response. I tried to look up my cousin to see if they are still here in Fall River, but she seems to have dropped off Facebook. My sister works at the facility next door and said that if she forgets her lunch she knows where to go now. We will see.

So I have been struggling, but back to work and making routines that help to ease the transition.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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2 Responses to Not a Life Choice – New Beginnings

  1. Francesca says:

    I just wanted you to know that although I have not been on Facebook for about two years I am following your blog. My heart goes out to you and I believe that by sharing you are doing a great service for others following a similar path. It is unbelievably hard, what you are doing. But the separation point is always hard and freeing at the same time. Peace to you. There is no way but forward, I guess. But reading your works is heartbreaking at times. Hopefully joy awaits in places where you do no expect it.
    I learned a Welsh word that is the name of a pattern I am going go be knitting. It full well seems to describe some of the bittersweet moments that are inevitable as we go forth in our lives.
    “ Hiraeth (pronounced [hiraɪ̯θ][1]) is a Welsh concept of longing for home. ‘Hiraeth’ is a word which cannot be completely translated, meaning more than solely “missing something” or “missing home.” It implies the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person – including homesickness for what may not exist any longer. It is associated with the bittersweet memory of missing something or someone, while being grateful of that/ their existence. It can also be used to describe a longing for a homeland, potentially of your ancestors, where you may have never been.” – Wikipedia
    Best of all wishes to you.


    • Thank you Francesca. I think Hiraeth sums it up nicely. I am a social person so the isolation is disturbing. I have to fight the feeling of being an outcast. I know I am not. Cindy chose this path for us to push me out of my comfort zone and help me to move on with my life. She said she feels I am ready to soar. We will see. In the meantime, I am feeling isolated. It is a hard road to travel, but I write here in order to help others see that though we may have to wade through the morass of our lives, in time, we will find happiness. I was happy with Cindy once. I have to cling to the hope that one day, I will meet another. Heddwch mawr i chi!


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