Not A Life Choice – Adjusting

adjustingI am slowly adjusting to my new environment. I am finally starting to sleep through the night. That will go a long way to returning me to some form of normalcy. It really was a struggle and it affected my health. I ended up with my first cold in forever. I can’t remember the last time I had a cold and fortunately it only lasted a few days. I have slept the past couple of nights until my alarm went off, of course, I forgot we had Martin Luther King Day off and worked most of the day. I probably could have slept in. Ugh.

I am slowly adjusting to the major change in my life. It is still disconcerting going from the chaos at the farm to mostly silence in my apartment. I do miss the alpacas and especially Jazzie, our aussiedoodle. I used to take her for a walk a few times a day since I worked at home. That gave me the opportunity to get out and get fresh air a few times a day.

I am having to adjust to cooking for one. It will take a bit for me to do that. I am so used to cooking, at minimum for Cindy, but also for the whole family. I saw a post on Facebook about baking. I don’t do it anymore. I used to bake for the family. I used to do cookies for Christmas, cheesecakes, and so much more. I don’t eat sweets so no more baking. I will have my first brunch this Sunday though. I am having a brunch for my Mother for her birthday and my son and daughter, my Mom, and my cousin.

I was looking to get myself an aussiedoodle for company. I am finding how expensive it is. I love Jazzie and wanted a dog like her. Unfortunately, for the time being, I have to wait. I found that my apartment wants an additional deposit of $1000 if I choose to have a pet. I also found the additional costs for the puppy would be around $500 for the vet certificate of health, shipping, and other costs. So that is on hold for the moment so just need to get through the next month or so. Once I pay next months rent, we will see what is left over.

I am learning my way around again. I think I found my new Chinese food purveyor. I got take out from them and loved their wings, chicken chow mein and fried rice. Much closer to what I remember.  I did order from Dominoes the other day. I didn’t care for their wings, but their pizza was okay. I will try Highland Pizza next. I also set up an appointment with a new PCP. I don’t know about the commute to get there, should I walk or drive? LOL, it is right next door.

For people with Aspergers, change can be highly stressful. Fortunately, I have had great counselors who have advised me to push through. I posted earlier about pushing through the mire. I am getting there, but it still is disconcerting.

While Cindy doesn’t respond much to my texts, she never really did, so I have to remind myself of that. She did reach out and ask if I wanted to come to dinner Saturday night. She does want to stay friends and I do miss her. I will never stop loving her.

So change is hard. Change is disruptive. Change can also be for the good. I needed to move on. I needed to spread my wings. I am trying. It is hard, but change is never easy. I will push through all of this and create a new life for myself. For the moment, there are very few in my circle. I am a social person so that is hard to take. I am alone most of the time. It hasn’t been a month yet. I have to be patient and give it time to build a new network of people and hopefully friends.

That brings me to another thought. Friends. Yes, I am connected on Facebook. I have 1,459 friends on Facebook at this moment. I have others who have asked to connect. I hope people don’t take offense at what I am about to say, but I see most of these as acquaintances. The reason being that I feel a friend is someone you share things with. It is someone you have a real relationship with. It is someone you feel comfortable sharing intimate details with. It is someone you feel comfortable sharing your fears, your pleasures, you life. I had that with Cindy, but that is gone.  I am alone. I need to find those who I can share intimate details. I need to find those who want to be around me and do things together. At the moment, I don’t have that. I will say that I did find a connection with my Pampered Chef consultant. I shared a lot with him when he came to visit. I think we learned a lot more about each other. There won’t be any romantic thoughts as he is gay and in a relationship, but it was nice to connect on that level. I feel I can share with him.

In time, I will get through this. I will make new connections and new relationships. Hopefully, it might even lead to a new intimate relationship. Loneliness sucks. I have had dark thoughts. I push through it. I spent way too much money to get to where I am to chuck it all. I may end up some old spinster, alone for the rest of my life, but I will be alive. For those struggling with their own journey, suicide is never an answer. Continue to push through. You are a valuable light. You need to shine. You need to sing your song.

I will soon close this series and turn my efforts to pulling it all together along with my initial book attempt, Emma: An Unlived Life, in hopes to reach others and share my journey and my song of hope. The struggle is real. None of this is easy, but you are worth it. All life is sacred. Never give up!

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

All my heart, Emma

About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on blogger.com for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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