Probably the hardest thing to do is to keep pushing forward. I was thinking about things and how my mind is all over the place these days. I think Dory’s mantra, just keep swimming, fits.
The hardest adjustment for me has been the isolation. At times, I feel like I have been discarded, unwanted. I bury myself in my books, or escape in a movie or TV show. I try to continue to write but, at times, feel like I am becoming redundant. I know I have to continue to write. I have read comments that have been left both here and on Facebook. They remind me that this just isn’t about me, but also about others who are following. So I keep swimming.
It is interesting, all the thoughts that go through your mind when you are all alone and isolated. Mind you, I have gotten involved with a group and am starting to get out at least two times a week. So, not totally isolated. Cindy allowed me to take Jazzie for a bit on Sunday. I brought her to the walk around the big pond at Bristol Community College and then back to the apartment. She started to whine a bit at the apartment because it was quiet, unlike the farm. I also live right on a major thoroughfare, so you can hear the rush of traffic. We visited for a while and then I brought her home. I miss her but giving some real thought about whether I really want to get a puppy for myself. I love animals, but if I am going out a couple of nights a week, the puppy would be alone. I have to think of the puppy and not just my needs. I do need the social interaction, so I do need those two nights out a week.
Sometimes I sit and my mind wanders. I end up having crazy thoughts. I try to let them pass. Sometimes it is best to just let things wash over you and release them rather than dwell. One such, was that I thought how I would be perfect for the CIA right now. No one would notice if I was gone, I am unattached, and a low will to live. Don’t worry, I still have some will, just not much. I do get those feelings that if I died tomorrow, who would notice? I let them pass over and try to refocus in a more positive direction. You have to. You can’t just dwell in the darkness. I do try to open the blinds a bit to ensure there is natural light in the apartment. Sometimes it is the little things.
I am trying to push through. I try to redirect my thoughts when they start to go to the darkness. My counselor had given me a book that deals with the psychology of rewiring your thinking. It was interesting research that was done. I use it to recognize when I go to the dark places and pull myself back.
For those who may actually worry about me, know that I cannot take my life. Trust me, I have tried. I may not have a great desire to live and just feel like I am wading through the water and just keep swimming, but I also recognize that at times in my life, I have said the right word or shared at the right time for someone. I live my life as a wounded healer. My power is in my words. I am the Consejera, a counselor. Despite all that I go through, my heart is open to those who need it.
I may not feel loved at times. I may feel alone and discarded, but my heart, my heart is always open to those who need it. I may struggle, but I live life to be love.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.