Not A Life Choice – Just Keep Pushing Forward

I have struggled over the past few weeks. I ended up in the hospital with a blood clot. I had an injury to my inner thigh, which was totally ignored as they kept saying it was due to my hormones. You are at their mercy so you have to go along. As part of that, they stopped my hormones until I can see a hematologist. Earliest I could get in is the 9th of September. So I have been deprived of my hormones since August 13th. That has really messed with me emotionally. I got to a point last week where I was ready to take my life. I am quite fortunate that I have so many friends that if I post something on Facebook like about wanting to end it, I am quickly inundated with love from everywhere. That is one of the greatest things is having a support system.

My life is complicated right now. I am separated and having to live alone and isolated. I do have neighbors that I can talk with now and then when we all gather in the quad, a grassy area in the middle of the four sections of apartments. My neighbors have dogs and I keep Greenies on hand to treat them with. I do try to get out and walk, but it took a bit to get back to where I could do the longer block as my leg has been swollen. I have to wear compression socks now and that does help a bit.

The blood clot was quite a scare. They kept telling me in the ER how I could have had a stroke or an embolism in my lung. I ended up at the ER late Wednesday night and had to stay until Friday. Don’t even get me started on my nurse. My doctor signed release orders around noon and sent them over. The nurse didn’t even print them out until almost four. I was diagnosed with Aspergers and I was in full rocking mode by the time they released me. I felt like a prisoner.

I am being told that I might have to go back on the patch as studies that I was sent said that was probably the safest method and least likely to give me clots. I would just like to be back on an even keel. I just have to hold things together until after I see the hematologist and then have my endocrinologist put me back on the patch. I was on the patch at first but switched to pills because I was working the farm and with the heat and sweat the patches would roll up or sweat off. The farm has been sold off and I work from home, so no worries on that anymore.

It still feels like I am in quicksand at times, but I am trying to keep moving forward. I am hoping we can get my hormones back in order and everything returns to some sense of normalcy, as much as can be expected in the Covid era. That hasn’t helped things as I can’t just up and go to a restaurant. I did manage to get out to St. James Pub with my daughter and her friends. That was the first time out with people in a while. I had gone to Tipsy Toboggan with my friend Jeff. We had to sit outside and it was spitting rain but we still managed to enjoy some nachos and drinks.

I just need to keep pushing forward. As many of my friends reminded me, I inspire many and need to keep going to shine as a beacon for others. One foot in front of the other.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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