I have struggled a lot lately. I really want my life to end but my spirituality forbids the taking of a life. I used to get asked to take my friends outside when a bug was seen in the house. My doctor had put me on an antidepressants. Unfortunately, he didn’t put it to renew so I am out. So I do what I have been doing all along work and walk. I have over 15,000 steps in today at 2:45p. I would push for 20,000, but I may need to rest for a bit. When I get too tired, I end up dragging my right foot and my right arm goes numb and just hangs. It was bad enough going out with a sore left hip and a possible break on my left foot. I did it though, I went out to St. Patrick’s cemetery and visited my grandparents grave.
I left crying. I miss them and some of my happiest memories were with them. My grandfather inspired me to start life as a chef. I cried most of the way out. Part of me was angry that I couldn’t end it. I sometimes feel I am condemned to live out this life. Of course if that psychic was right, it will be until I am 93.
When I get real down, I post on Facebook. Within moments my friends reach out and inspire me to keep going. They remind me that I have a lot of followers and inspire others by overcoming my struggles. They remind me to be a light.
So for now, I continue to walk and sometimes hobble. I am just glad that I live in an area that is safe. I got to meet some of the vendors on New Boston Road. I am now doing business with the hairdresser, the electrologist, the confections shop, great tarts! And I am going to try to learn how to knit so I saw Karen at the craft shop. I picked up some Christmas towels that can hang on the stove. I am trying to be somewhat festive. I picked up a new apron for when I want to bake.
I am hoping that things improve in the coming year. I have been isolated and alone mostly. I love to entertain but can’t really have visitors. In the meantime, I will continue to try to be a light for others.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.