A few years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. While it opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with all my life. For those who don’t know Asperger’s, it is what is called high functioning autism. One of the reasons that it is difficult for me to accept changes. Routine is something we embrace. Change is difficult. That is an understatement. My situation aside, I deal with changes in my life taking things day by day.
One of the things that I have had to deal with is a new relationship. I love Pauline. I try hard to try to learn ASL. My girlfriend is deaf. I struggle at times, but I am learning. Slowly, but learning. Pauline gets frustrated with me at times, but in the end we are in love. Love conquers all.
Change is tough. I really have to have patience. I really need to go the extra mile. I need to push aside the fear and insecurity that envelopes me at times. Let me tell you, sometimes it is difficult.
Love conquers all.
Pauline is a special lady. I just hope I can be the person she wants me to be. I want to make her beyond happy. We have a few projects we are working on, and have hopes to one day buy a home of our own. Unfortunately, I also am trying to get my divorce finalized.
I sometimes feel extremely tired. It is like I am dealing with multiple fronts sometimes. Change can suck sometimes, especially when you have to depend on others.
I want Pauline to have a great life. I want her to be able to quit her job and let me take care of her. I cry sometimes because everything is dependent on others and out of my control. I fight the urge to take my life.
Change is tough, but I will keep pushing through. I just want to have a life again. I want to live without fear or change. I want to have a consistent life. I want to normalize. I want to have a routine that makes me comfortable.