Struggling

I have really been struggling. It is like one complication after another. My new girlfriend is at hospital right now. She has been dealing with pain and discomfort. It sucks. I try to be supportive, but not sure what I can do other than help her take care of her cats. I have had to make a lot of adjustments. I want us to have a happy life together. I want us to enjoy life. It is just so difficult. I started a new job. I am away all day. I hope that I can get my dog into a daycare so she won’t have to take care of her during the day. Unfortunately, they have been hit with kennel cough and Ginger isn’t fully immunized since I moved.

I miss Fall River. It is tough being isolated. I used to walk the streets with my Fitbit and scored a lot of points. Since moving to New Hampshire, I struggle to make my 10k steps. I still try. I go to work every day. I don’t get to hit my hourly steps but can still make my total steps. I used to walk all over Fall River. I miss all my contacts and friends. I used to meet up with my friend Jeffrey Gaudreau. We would go to Battleship Cove and do the boardwalk. I miss going to Elite for electrolysis. I miss going to the bakery around the corner. I used to do my walk around the neighborhood. I miss going up President Ave a number of times in a day. It was the perfect place to walk and get my points.

I went to St. Patrick’s school when I was a kid. I even took a walk out to there a few times. I walked past the Lizzie Borden house which is a B&B now and even went by Maplecroft, her house later. Fall River was so rich in history and a great place to walk. I am struggling now. I really am trying to push through everything. My soon to be ex has had no communication with me. I am waiting on the FedEx with the divorce papers to sign. My life is so complicated right now. I push through. Part of me just wants to end it all and see what is on the other side, but I cannot take a life, not even my own. Life sucks and then you die.

At this time, I am praying for Pauline. She is at the hospital right now. I took care of her cats for her, but I can’t help her pain. I am hoping they can find something and fix it. I love her. I have been discarded by everyone else in my life. Pauline has been there with me. We have our differences but we work through it. I hope I can continue to push through, but all the negative in my life makes it hard. Just know that I continue to live to help to inspire others to push through the difficulties in life and be yourself.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest mistake in my life was becoming me. I am post-op and have had the surgery. I am transgender. Pauline accepted that. She has loved me. I try to learn sign language. It can be tough and she gets frustrated with me, but we push on.

I have felt like I want to end my life, but I cannot. I owe it to Pauline to push through and try to be the best partner for her and support her. She is my current life source.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on blogger.com for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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