Sometimes it just feels like you are just slogging along. Things turned south for me at the end of last year when the company I worked for twenty years, let me go. I have been trying to get along since. I have applied to a number of jobs, but no one hired me yet.
My life used to be highly social. I was a Mason, I made Senior Steward in Blue Lodge, but was High Priest in my Chapter. I was also Captain General in Commandery (Knights Templar). I was also the District Ambassador. I was always on the go.
I used to host cooking shows with Joe Furtado from Pampered Chef and Maureen Morisi from Epicurean. I loved doing the shows. All of that ended. I met someone online and moved to New Hampshire. My social life has all been snuffed out. I used to meet with the T.W.I.S.T group on Tuesday nights. I think Late Bloomer Lesbians met on Wednesday night. I was always doing something. I even had my own Facebook page, Sparkle with Lady Emma, where I would showcase some of Touchstone by Swarovski’s jewelry. I have a lot of that. I am wearing one of the ice bracelets as well as the earrings and necklace in green today.
I miss having things to do. I miss yelling out O-69 when Renee Fleming had her bling parties and we played Blingo! My life used to be full but I was laid off from my job after twenty years and now my job is searching for a job. I am hoping something will happen soon and remote would be great. I worked remotely in my last job. It was great.
For now, I deal as best as I can to fight depression. I am learning sign language, though Pauline gets frustrated with me a lot. I end up crying a lot because I am trying to get up to speed, but not always grasping things. I want to make her happy, but I struggle. I do miss my old life that I felt valued. It is hard these days because without a job, I feel devalued. I feel a toss away.
I used to give the talks to visitors when we had the alpaca farm together. I would explain about how alpacas are part of the camelid family which includes vicuna, guaranas, alpacas, and llamas. That all ended.
None of this was in my control, so I just push on. I try to reach out to others when I can. Mostly, it is just Pauline and I. My social life is gone. Sometimes I feel death is better. I let those thoughts pass on. I just want to be happy again. I want to love life. Sometimes I think, the worst choice I made was to be me. I just wanted to live my authentic life. I have paid a huge price to be me.
Trying to push on,
Lady Emma Croft
Thoughts On A Cloudy Day 
Emma, I was also “let go” from my very public-facing job at age 62 and had to face the realization that I not only lost my income, but also my entire social network when that happened. I worked frantically for months trying to put some of that life back together, including a half-hearted attempt to start a home business. Like you, I wavered back and forth between determination and depression for a few years, but I finally came to terms with the fact that my time in the spotlight was over and it was going to be necessary to learn how to savor the silence and solitude as the space for true “me” time to happen.
I don’t have any instant enlightenment to give you; just encouragement from someone who has been there and done that (minus of course, your courageous evolution into your true self) and who treasures your being. I got some good tough love from my cousin back in the darker time: “Don’t let yourself wallow,” she told me. “Aggressively choose your own adventure. If something doesn’t make you happy, stop doing it and do something else. If there are people in your life who don’t make you happy, move on and find your tribe. Never be afraid to insist that you are worthy of having everything you need.”
Easier to say than do, I know, but still good advice. Hope you will keep on keeping on, amiga. You are worthy of all you desire. Fight for it.
Sending love and hugs, Kat
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Do you need your words returned to you in order to accept the truth of what you speak? You and Pauline worked for awhile. It no longer works. There’s no blame – no guilt to place – just acceptance and gratitude for one another’s presence when you both needed it. Let it go while you still care for each other. Make room for the things in your life that you truly need. I know this space. I have been there too.
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Complicated. She is deaf. I serve as her ears. There is a dependency. I am hoping to get a new job so that I can leave. The position I am trying for is remote. So I can return to my old home in Fall River. I miss having a social life. I used to do all those parties and took part in a lot of things.
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