Be A Strong Warrior For All People

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Like everyone, I have my moments of weakness and doubt. I have learned over my long life to push through. There have been many times in this life that I have been there at the right moment for someone. I am love and light. I will persevere so that I may continue to be there for others.

I posted that today on Facebook, but it had me thinking. I have been through many trials in my life. I have had love and lost it many times. I have been to the highs of life and sunk to its darkest nadir. The voice of my psychologist and my counselor were always play in my ear, “Remember that you have been here before and you not only survived, but rose higher as a phoenix”.  So not matter how low I feel, I keep pushing on.

I have fortunately relied on many heroic women in my life. I loved Linda Carter as Wonder Woman when I was young. I love Gal Gadot as the new Wonder Woman and can’t wait until Wonder Woman 1984 comes out. Another amazing woman that inspired me so much in my childhood, that I took her name as mine, Emma Peel or Mrs. Peel of the Avengers played by Diana Rigg.

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I especially loved her catsuits. The show itself was kind of campy but I loved to watch her in action.  She and Mr. Steed were always getting into fixes but they always managed to come out on top in the end.

Another strong woman I look to when I am at my weakest is Boudica, the Warrior Queen.

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Boudica or Boudicca, also known as Boadicea or Boudicea, and in Welsh as Buddug, was a queen of the British Celtic Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61. She was eventually defeated and it is said she took her own life, but she fought hard against the Romans.

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When I am looking for inspiration and wisdom, I look to the Goddess Ceredwyn or Cerridwen. In Celtic Welsh mythology, Cerridwen is a powerful Underworld Goddess, and the keeper of the cauldron of knowledge, inspiration and rebirth.  She rules the realms of death, fertility, regeneration, inspiration, magic, enchantment and knowledge. Cerridwen is a shape shifting Goddess, able to take on various forms. She is known as being a white witch or goddess, and is also associated with herbology and astrology.

I am not always strong, but I do try to speak out. I was chatting with someone who works retail. She told me how she doesn’t want the thank you’s. She said they are so overwhelmed that she often comes home exhausted and cries. She said we call them heroes, but they are just trying to survive. I have written about this before. Now they are called heroes, mostly because it is the thing to do these days. Yet, when this all passes, they will still not have the protections they need. Many states are at will states, they can just let you go without cause. For many, that means they lose what pitiful health plans they have. It is further exacerbated by this administration refusing to reopen the exchanges for enrollment. Many are losing their jobs as hours are cut. They don’t want thank you’s, they want help. They want a just and equitable system that will ensure that they are paid well enough to not have to live in poverty despite working thirty to fourty hours a week. They want health care! This is even more needed at this time with a deadly pandemic at our door and they being potentially exposed daily. We need to provide health care to all.  We need to provide a living wage for all. No one should have to work thirty to fourty hours a week and have to live on food stamps. Note, I say thirty to fourty hours because for many, their hours have been cut.  That makes it harder for them to make ends meet and put food on the table and pay their ever increasing rents.

If you really want to say thank you to them. If you really want to help, be a proponent for a living wage and healthcare for all. It is time to stop treating people like tools. It is time to lift people up and truly support and care for each other. We have to be that warrior for others because for many they have no voice because they are silenced under threat of retaliation for speaking out.

As always, my heart, to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

I am Unega Waya, I am White Wolf!
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Transgender Day of Visibility 2020

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For those who have followed my series, Not A Life Choice, or any of my other posts, you know that I chose purposefully to be public. The suicide rate for Transgender folk is very high. I chose to use my ability as a writer to educate and inform hoping to bring understanding and acceptance.

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The Centre for Suicide Prevention did note that it is often hard to know the actual rate since in many cases, people may not have started to transition, so have not had a name change or gender markers changed.  I have heard the rate is as high as 46% according to other studies.

This current situation with the coronavirus is exacerbating the issue. Many who could dress at home when no one was around, or go out to special places that they could be themselves, suddenly are closed off. If they live with others, they no longer have that private time to experience themselves as their true selves.  We need to reach out to those who we know identify as transgender and check on them. We need to continue to let them know that they are not alone. I am public because I want to put a face to the transgender population. I want to be a light, a beacon, to others, so they know they are not alone and have someone they can reach out to.

On this Day of Visibility, I am visible. I hope to serve as a light of hope to others. You are not alone! Please, if you know someone, reach out to them. Check on them. Ensure that they have that love and support they need. Let’s not let one more person become a statistic.

I am Emma. I am a transwoman. I am light and love.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

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Thread of Life

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We have been told over and over how much climate change is a hoax. We sit in denial refusing to do anything that might take us out of our comfort zone. We are seeing pictures of Europe and China that show the lessening pollution as the countries shut down due to this pandemic. Interesting, now that China is ramping back up, we see the return of the pollution. That belies the idea that this is not man made. There was a picture of the canals in Venice that were showing the water clearing. Man is showing themselves as a parasite on the earth destroying all. We are poisoning the land and seas for our own benefit.

There is a quote from Alanis Obamsawin, “When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money.”

There is a lot of truth to this. This current administration is moving to undo all the protections that were put in place when Nixon created the EPA. A lot of the rules and regulations were put in place because Corporations choose to put profits over people and pollute the land and water for expediency. How long will it be before the rivers run red again and we have toxic waste dumps near playgrounds and people getting cancer due to PCBs? We have one earth. We can see that in a short period the earth can recover and we can have blue skies and clean air and water. All it took was shutting down the world for a few days. How much better would it be if we worked towards a more permanent solution. We hear the stories of how Nestle’s and other water companies are buying up rights to our aquifers in order to ensure their profits when all the water becomes unsafe to drink. Will water become that much of a dwindling resource that we will get to the point of not having water to wash or cook? How much are you willing to pay?

Our current situation, with many being quarantined and whole cities shutting down, is uncomfortable to many. The isolation is getting to people. The inability to go out and eat and having to be careful to disinfect everything. Not being able to just run out to the store to pick up a few things. All of this could become the way of life.

Or we could seek permanent solutions. It is our choice. You cannot eat money.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit!
Unega Waya (White Wolf)

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Not A Life Choice – Stop Attacking the Kids!

Children

For those who are unaware, Republicans are trying to legislate transgender kids out of existence. In a number of states they are trying to prevent kids from being able to get the hormones and blockers that they need to begin their transition. In some cases, they are even going to the extreme measure of making it a crime so they can lock up the doctors that support these kids. They are trying to legislate to prevent them from having corrective surgery. This is heinous and inhumane!

A study from September of 2018 showed harrowing statistics from a study recently published by the American Academy of Pediatrics revealed alarming levels of attempted suicide among transgender youth — with the highest rates among transgender boys and non-binary youth. The findings emphasize the urgency of building welcoming and safe communities for LGBTQ young people, particularly for transgender youth.

More than half of transgender male teens who participated in the survey reported attempting suicide in their lifetime, while 29.9 percent of transgender female teens said they attempted suicide. Among non-binary youth, 41.8 percent of respondents stated that they had attempted suicide at some point in their lives.

Many transgender young people experience family rejection, bullying and harassment, or feel unsafe for simply being who they are – all of which can be added risk factors for suicide. Earlier this year, HRC released its 2018 LGBTQ Youth Report, which detailed similarly alarming experiences — but also significant perseverance among LGBTQ young people in the face of daunting challenges.

I have been involved with First Event’s Fashion Show for a number of years. I have to say that when I see the kids going down the runway,  they are beeming! That is the way they should be all the time. We should give love and support to the transgender youth.

Unfortunately, for many, once they reveal themselves to the world they open themselves up to ostracism by their own families. Many are even kicked out of their homes and forced to live on the street.  They risk being bullied. Some turn to drugs, others may go to the sex trade in order to try to raise funds to get their hormones. These are kids!!

The sad part is that many who hate use religion as a cudgel. They pull up passages from the Bible to justify their hate and derision. They forget that Jesus gave them one commandment, Love! Not love if, or love but, just love. How is beating up a kid for being who they are showing love?

I started my journey in a time before wide spread Internet and the wealth of information available. The only place I knew about that I could go and talk with similar people was a place called #GenHaven on the old IRQ channels. Now there has to be hundreds of Facebook pages just for Transgender, let alone the entire LGBTQ spectrum. And it is a spectrum.

If you have followed my series from the start, one of the first I did, was called, Not A Life Choice. In it, I brought out the studies that were done up to that point, the medical information, and so much more. That was back in August of 2016. Here we are in 2020 and you would think with all the additional research that has been done, and there is a plethora of new studies and continuing research, that we would have gotten to the point of acceptance. Unfortunately, many choose to hold fast to hate and ignorance. The saddest part is the children are the ones who suffer. How heinous and hateful do you have to be to try to legislate someone out of existence! We live in a very ugly world. It is full of hate and ignorance. I am and will continue to try to shine a light to pull people out of their ignorance and towards acceptance. Science tells us that LGBTQ people exist and always have. Those of us that have been brave enough to step out into the light are paving the way to new research, new breakthroughs, and new discoveries.  As more come forward, just by sheer numbers, we will not be ignored.

I embrace the spirit of the wolf, I am Unega Waya, I am a pathfinder and teacher.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.
Emma

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Erin Go Bra-less

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I prefer to celebrate the life of Boudica, the Celtic warrior Queen. Most of my life, I have celebrated my Irish roots. My middle name is Morgaine. An alternative name for Morgan le Fay in original legends and some modern adaptations such as The Mists of Avalon. Of course, those who have followed my blog know that my first name was derived from the 60’s hit The Avengers and the character Mrs. Peel, played by Diana Rigg. I used to love watching that show and even got the seasons with Emma Peel in it on DVD.

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Getting back to this guy Patrick. I have always had a hard time celebrating this day. I never saw Patrick as a hero to the Irish. The farce of him driving the snakes out of Ireland is pure malarkey. The snakes referred to the Druids. The Druid priests and priestesses would tattoo serpents on their arms. It was the Druids that he drove out.

When I left the Catholic Church, one of the first spiritual paths I tried to learn was the Druidic path. I learned that they were poets and story tellers, bards, healers. There were many levels to Druidry.

Primus Lapidem Miliarium – The First Milestone, the way of the Aspirant

Secundus Lapidem Milarium – The Second Milestone, from Novice to Bard

Tertius Lapidem Milarium – The Third Milestone, Ovate, Master and beyond

But to those who believe they have passed the last milestone, hold on a moment.  We have only reached the end of the beginning. And those who are truly meant to be on the druidic path will again be overjoyed at this revelation. The horizon that we were chasing has mysteriously moved farther away.  What new discovery, what amazing knowledge awaits?

I have always been a spiritual person. I am not religious. I was involved with the Roman Catholic Church. I spent two years as a Youth Minister, ministering to young people out of a center in Middletown, RI. I had even tried going into the seminary and becoming a priest. I was always seen as a spiritual person, so many  thought because I was raised Roman Catholic that it was my destiny. Fortunately not!

I walked away from the Roman Catholic Church, and decided to follow my own path. My first venture was to learn Druidry since I am Irish. I felt that was more the native spiritual path of the Celts than Catholicism. From there, I learned Shamanism. I continued to learn and grow. I learned to expand my mind and accept all paths. This was reinforced when I read a book, Seven Masters One Path, which brought together the teachings of many masters, Lao Tzu, Patanjali, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Gurdjieff, and Krishnamurti. What this did was to open my mind to the realization of the Hindu Koan, “There are many paths up the mountain and the only one not getting to the top is the one who runs around and around telling everyone else they are on the wrong path!” Another saying I embraced was

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

I continued to learn and grow. I continue to study Shamanism, but have added Curanderismo and Native American healing ways. I have also dabbled into Quantum Physics as there are aspects of that that ties into a lot of my studies and shows the interconnectedness of us all.

Now, I did mention my aversion to St. Patrick. As part of my learning all of these healing ways, I learned to open myself to things. During one of these times, I had what felt like a flashback. In it, Patrick had reached out to the Druids in order to bring the two together. Or rather, that was what he said. He scheduled a meeting between the Druids and Roman Catholics. The Druids were punctual and arrived early. They gathered in the building and were waiting on the Roman Catholics. At that time, someone shut and barred the doors to the building. The building was then set on fire. The Druids were murdered, burned alive. To this day, anything to do with Irish Green ruffles me. I was told by a Past Life Regressionist that it was a stored memory from a previous life. They say that a lot of our phobias and fears can be due to previous life issues as well as current PTSDs. Who knows. The world is a fascinating place.

So there you have it. My spirituality is not religious but one of heart. That is why I sign off with the thought, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

That sparked another thought. I was rewatching the movie Celestine Prophesy. In it, they learned that if we project love and return that which we receive, it redoubles on itself and grows in power. I really think we need to spread more love in this world. Our hearts need to be open to each other. There is too much darkness, hate, and violence. I hope more people will be a light to others. Imlak’esh, “within you another me, & within me another you”.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit

Emma

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Just Keep Swimming….

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Probably the hardest thing to do is to keep pushing forward. I was thinking about things and how my mind is all over the place these days. I think Dory’s mantra, just keep swimming, fits.

The hardest adjustment for me has been the isolation. At times, I feel like I have been discarded, unwanted. I bury myself in my books, or escape in a movie or TV show. I try to continue to write but, at times, feel like I am becoming redundant. I know I have to continue to write. I have read comments that have been left both here and on Facebook. They remind me that this just isn’t about me, but also about others who are following. So I keep swimming.

It is interesting, all the thoughts that go through your mind when you are all alone and isolated. Mind you, I have gotten involved with a group and am starting to get out at least two times a week. So, not totally isolated. Cindy allowed me to take Jazzie for a bit on Sunday. I brought her to the walk around the big pond at Bristol Community College and then back to the apartment. She started to whine a bit at the apartment because it was quiet, unlike the farm. I also live right on a major thoroughfare, so you can hear the rush of traffic. We visited for a while and then I brought her home. I miss her but giving some real thought about whether I really want to get a puppy for myself. I love animals, but if I am going out a couple of nights a week, the puppy would be alone. I have to think of the puppy and not just my needs. I do need the social interaction, so I do need those two nights out a week.

Sometimes I sit and my mind wanders. I end up having crazy thoughts. I try to let them pass. Sometimes it is best to just let things wash over you and release them rather than dwell. One such, was that I thought how I would be perfect for the CIA right now. No one would notice if I was gone, I am unattached, and a low will to live. Don’t worry, I still have some will, just not much. I do get those feelings that if I died tomorrow, who would notice? I let them pass over and try to refocus in a more positive direction. You have to. You can’t just dwell in the darkness. I do try to open the blinds a bit to ensure there is natural light in the apartment. Sometimes it is the little things.

I am trying to push through. I try to redirect my thoughts when they start to go to the darkness. My counselor had given me a book that deals with the psychology of rewiring your thinking. It was interesting research that was done. I use it to recognize when I go to the dark places and pull myself back.

For those who may actually worry about me, know that I cannot take my life. Trust me, I have tried. I may not have a great desire to live and just feel like I am wading through the water and just keep swimming, but I also recognize that at times in my life, I have said the right word or shared at the right time for someone. I live my life as a wounded healer. My power is in my words. I am the Consejera, a counselor. Despite all that I go through, my heart is open to those who need it.

I may not feel loved at times. I may feel alone and discarded, but my heart, my heart is always open to those who need it. I may struggle, but I live life to be love.

My  heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

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Even the Strong Have Their Moments

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Robin Williams made us laugh and had us in stitches. Yet, there was a dark undercurrent that he could not overcome. He eventually took his life and we lost a great comic genius. This is a time of the year when many people are struggling. Quite a few people may be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. There is also the barrage of advertisements for St. Valentine’s Day that can really further isolate someone who is lonely. I have struggled myself of late, but I reach out to my friends on Facebook and I am reminded that I matter.

I want to share a card that a friend sent me. I have been struggling lately, but this reminded me that my light must never dim.
 
The world needs your voice. It needs your talents. It needs you. No matter what, know that a lot of people are pulling for you every step of the way.
 
Living alone can be hard. There have been a few times when I have hit a nadir and felt that I was unwanted and unloved. Fortunately, I posted those feelings on Facebook and there was an immediate response and outpouring of love. For all we complain about Facebook, it does serve as a connection, a lifeline, for those who are alone.
 
I was reminded last night that this time of year can be the hardest for people alone. The days are short which contributes to SAD. We also get inundated with Valentine’s Day commercials, ads, and messages. I posted the other day about how sometimes the strong people are the ones struggling. I do not want to lose a single friend due to suicide. Please, reach out.
 
Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a real human. No judgment—just straight-up listening.
 
National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255
YouthLine — Text teen2teen to 839863, or call 1-877-968-8491
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline — 1-800-422-4453
National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233
National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-855-812-1001
RAINN — 1-800-656-4673
RAINN’s (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
The Trevor Project — 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678
Trans Lifeline — 1-877-565-8860
 
You are never alone! My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.
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Not A Life Choice – Keep Moving Forward

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Probably one of the hardest things to do is to keep pushing through, especially when one is affected by loneliness and depression. I have been dealing primarily with the loneliness, but have my bouts of depression also. That is usually brought about due to the loneliness. I am hoping to get my financial footing so I can get a puppy to keep me company, but for now, I just have to deal.

I was fortunate yesterday, in that, we had a brunch for my Mother’s birthday. I had everyone come over to my apartment and made up, as usual, too much food. Oh the sausage, bacon and most of the ham went but the home fries there is a lot of. I will be eating egg burritos for a while too. Of course, if I was still at the farm, those would have gone to the dogs. The scrambled eggs, not the home fries.

I have some pictures hanging that my son put together for us. It has pictures of my two dogs that passed, Harley and Brandy. Brandy was my girl. She loved to go for rides with me. She would sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, except when I hit the highway and then should would lay down. I think things flying past so fast were not her cup of tea. That picture though, often triggers my depression. It reminds me of a happier time. I keep hearing that things will get better, but struggle with it.

I don’t hear much from Cindy though we are supposed to get together at the farm with some friends, for dinner. She has been busy trying to put the house in order to sell it. I did invite her to the brunch, but she had people coming to help her paint. It is a huge adjustment going from taking care of about 26 alpacas and three dogs, to just taking care of me. It makes grocery shopping and cooking interesting as I am only cooking for me now. It will be nice to see Jazzie again this weekend. I do miss her. I used to take breaks from work and take her for a walk. It got me out of the house a few times a day. Now I just sit at the computer and work all day. I do get up now and then for another coffee, but that is only going downstairs. If I do get a puppy, I will once again have a reason to get out for a breath of fresh air and take a break. For now, I just bury myself in my work so I don’t have to think.

I relate my struggles, not to gain sympathy, but those who are also struggling. I think in finding someone you can relate to, someone who understands your pain and struggle, it helps. One of the things I was told by a psychologist I had worked with back in the 80’s was to treat the negative moments as just that, moments in time. She told me to look back over my life at all the peaks and valleys and see that even in the darkest moments, just keep pushing forward. She reminded me of how many times I hit my nadir only to rise like a phoenix and spread my wings going higher and shining brighter. I continue to struggle, but I also remind myself that I am committed to being a light to show the way for others. My Cherokee friends gifted me the name, Unega Waya, White Wolf. They saw me as a pathfinder and teacher. I embrace that spirit. I will continue to push through. I will rise again. I will shine brighter. I will hold onto this as my creed so I may push through.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

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Not A Life Choice – Adjusting

adjustingI am slowly adjusting to my new environment. I am finally starting to sleep through the night. That will go a long way to returning me to some form of normalcy. It really was a struggle and it affected my health. I ended up with my first cold in forever. I can’t remember the last time I had a cold and fortunately it only lasted a few days. I have slept the past couple of nights until my alarm went off, of course, I forgot we had Martin Luther King Day off and worked most of the day. I probably could have slept in. Ugh.

I am slowly adjusting to the major change in my life. It is still disconcerting going from the chaos at the farm to mostly silence in my apartment. I do miss the alpacas and especially Jazzie, our aussiedoodle. I used to take her for a walk a few times a day since I worked at home. That gave me the opportunity to get out and get fresh air a few times a day.

I am having to adjust to cooking for one. It will take a bit for me to do that. I am so used to cooking, at minimum for Cindy, but also for the whole family. I saw a post on Facebook about baking. I don’t do it anymore. I used to bake for the family. I used to do cookies for Christmas, cheesecakes, and so much more. I don’t eat sweets so no more baking. I will have my first brunch this Sunday though. I am having a brunch for my Mother for her birthday and my son and daughter, my Mom, and my cousin.

I was looking to get myself an aussiedoodle for company. I am finding how expensive it is. I love Jazzie and wanted a dog like her. Unfortunately, for the time being, I have to wait. I found that my apartment wants an additional deposit of $1000 if I choose to have a pet. I also found the additional costs for the puppy would be around $500 for the vet certificate of health, shipping, and other costs. So that is on hold for the moment so just need to get through the next month or so. Once I pay next months rent, we will see what is left over.

I am learning my way around again. I think I found my new Chinese food purveyor. I got take out from them and loved their wings, chicken chow mein and fried rice. Much closer to what I remember.  I did order from Dominoes the other day. I didn’t care for their wings, but their pizza was okay. I will try Highland Pizza next. I also set up an appointment with a new PCP. I don’t know about the commute to get there, should I walk or drive? LOL, it is right next door.

For people with Aspergers, change can be highly stressful. Fortunately, I have had great counselors who have advised me to push through. I posted earlier about pushing through the mire. I am getting there, but it still is disconcerting.

While Cindy doesn’t respond much to my texts, she never really did, so I have to remind myself of that. She did reach out and ask if I wanted to come to dinner Saturday night. She does want to stay friends and I do miss her. I will never stop loving her.

So change is hard. Change is disruptive. Change can also be for the good. I needed to move on. I needed to spread my wings. I am trying. It is hard, but change is never easy. I will push through all of this and create a new life for myself. For the moment, there are very few in my circle. I am a social person so that is hard to take. I am alone most of the time. It hasn’t been a month yet. I have to be patient and give it time to build a new network of people and hopefully friends.

That brings me to another thought. Friends. Yes, I am connected on Facebook. I have 1,459 friends on Facebook at this moment. I have others who have asked to connect. I hope people don’t take offense at what I am about to say, but I see most of these as acquaintances. The reason being that I feel a friend is someone you share things with. It is someone you have a real relationship with. It is someone you feel comfortable sharing intimate details with. It is someone you feel comfortable sharing your fears, your pleasures, you life. I had that with Cindy, but that is gone.  I am alone. I need to find those who I can share intimate details. I need to find those who want to be around me and do things together. At the moment, I don’t have that. I will say that I did find a connection with my Pampered Chef consultant. I shared a lot with him when he came to visit. I think we learned a lot more about each other. There won’t be any romantic thoughts as he is gay and in a relationship, but it was nice to connect on that level. I feel I can share with him.

In time, I will get through this. I will make new connections and new relationships. Hopefully, it might even lead to a new intimate relationship. Loneliness sucks. I have had dark thoughts. I push through it. I spent way too much money to get to where I am to chuck it all. I may end up some old spinster, alone for the rest of my life, but I will be alive. For those struggling with their own journey, suicide is never an answer. Continue to push through. You are a valuable light. You need to shine. You need to sing your song.

I will soon close this series and turn my efforts to pulling it all together along with my initial book attempt, Emma: An Unlived Life, in hopes to reach others and share my journey and my song of hope. The struggle is real. None of this is easy, but you are worth it. All life is sacred. Never give up!

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

All my heart, Emma

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Not a Life Choice – New Beginnings

all-new

It has been an interesting time. For those who have been following, you know that Cindy advised back in May, that we would be separating. She said that she planned to shut down the farm and we would go our separate ways.  I was asked if I would stay on to help until the end of the year. So come December, I was looking for an apartment. I originally was looking towards Plymouth, but in the end, I returned to the place of my birth, Fall River, Massachusetts. Yes, I was born in the same town of the infamous Lizzie Borden.

I do miss Cindy, the alpacas, and the dogs, especially Jazzie. Cindy says she wants to stay friends and do things together. It was decided to get a Uhaul and move me on New Years Eve. It went very fast. We went back to the farm after to celebrate our last New Years Eve at the farm. We played the game, That’s What She Said and had a few drinks. I retired early as I was exhausted.

When I got up the next morning, I put a few more things in the car to take and left for the final time.

The first few days were rough. I found myself waking at 2am and unable to get back to sleep. It was fortunate that I took the whole week off. I also had to wait until that Friday to get my self-install kit from Comcast, despite it being ordered before the 31st.

I think the first night I got almost a full nights sleep was the third night at the apartment. I think, by then, I was just really exhausted. It is taking time, but slowly I am getting into a cycle where I can sleep most of the night. It might have just been a new environment, but I also have to admit to feeling like a discard. I posted on Facebook :

I have come to the realization that I will never have love. I am destined to be alone for my lifetime. Unwanted, a discard.

I received such an outpouring of love and support from that short message. I had hit a nadir. It was time to call upon the spirit of Boudica, the warrior queen, and Ceredwyn, the keeper of the cauldron of knowledge to empower me. I absorbed the love sent to me and responded:

I am okay! It has been a hard few days. As one with Aspergers, change is hugely disruptive. Add to that the depression that comes from the end of a relationship, dark dreariness in the house because they have underpowered lighting and it feels like darkness is embracing you. Last night, I hit a nadir. The combination of the darkness around here with the lack of sleep over the past few days and top it with a couple of glasses of wine and bam. I apologize if anyone became worried. Please know that I am in a better place this morning.
Somehow I managed to battle the insomnia last night. I woke at 2am again last night, why 2, who knows, but this time I got up and hit the bathroom and then crawled right back into bed, rolled over and willed myself back to sleep. I woke again at 5a and said no, rolled over again and slept until 6a. I feel a bit groggy, but more rested. I have an electrolysis appointment in Plymouth at 11a. I may meet with some friends who I met when they came to take my tour at the farm, and go for lunch.
This is a huge adjustment for me. I was in a routine everyday where I was out in all kinds of weather shoveling alpaca poop at 6a. I said goodbye to all the alpacas and especially giving Hottie and Kate kisses. I fixed the blanket on Zorro to keep the cold off him. He is our old guy and mostly skin and bones. Our, heh, it will take a while. I miss Jazzie, our little ausiedoodle. I took her for walks during the day and she was always full of love and joy. Of course, she loved to devour books. Not read, just devour. LOL. I have my memories. I will miss giving my lecture on the farm. I really enjoy teaching others. I admire teachers like my friend Susan Aileen and my step-mom, Muriel Croft, They empower through education. We really need to step up and fully fund education.
Now that I have had a good nights sleep. I hope to get back into some kind of rhythm and sleep the nights through. Once I have some good rest, I will become stronger. The love and support I have seen here is truly how Facebook and other portals like it, should be used. That was the way it was with other places I was involved in like Zaadz and Tribe. I had a group on Tribe where I shared what I learned from the teachings of the Native American culture. We really do need to return to living in balance with the land.
So I move forward. I embrace the spirit of the warrior queen, Boudica. I embrace the spiritual guidance of Ceredwyn, keeper of the cauldron of knowledge. I embrace my Buddha spirit and will continue to work for peace, balance, and harmony. I choose to empower. I am Unega Waya, White Wolf, I am the pathfinder and teacher. I embrace my wolf spirit and will use its strength. I will rise like the phoenix!

I continue to grow stronger. I thank all who have offered their support. I plan on going back to the farm Saturday afternoon and will drop off some boxes, the dolly, and some packing blankets so that Cindy has them when she is ready to move. I will also grab the coats I left in the closet by the door. I realized that I just left with the sweater and it got cold the past few days.

Change is hard. It is especially so for people who have Asperger’s. I was really struggling, but by settling into routines, it is helping. The other thing that helps is my familiarity with my surroundings. I know most of the streets and some restaurants I knew are still around, especially the St. James Pub, an Irish pub that is still there!

Funny, I know a lot of the restaurants around but yet, I struggled to leave tonight. I was debating ordering a pizza, or maybe Chinese, in the end, I made my comfort food, Seafood Fra Diavlo. Plenty enough heat to clear my sinuses. I hope to soon get a grill so I can go back to cooking outside. I haven’t had a steak in a while. I prefer cooking those on a grill. I prefer my ribs on a grill too, but settled for some bone-in rib cuts. I have most of my rubs and sauces, so grilling will be a must. I do have to get out. I don’t want to become a hermit. I plan on taking my Mom out to breakfast on Sunday. Step by step.

I also found out that my PCP left his practice. I had reached out with my change of address and change of pharmacy. They told me he was no longer with them. Nice, they couldn’t notify their patients? So, I have reached out to the facility right next door and have an appointment with a new PCP in February. I won’t have to take a day off to go to a doctor’s appointment. Though, I may for the initial visit to ensure time to fill out all the paperwork.

I share all of this so that people may be informed about the potential ramifications of following your heart and embracing the real you. Granted, Cindy wants to stay friends and best friends, but it did end all that we had built at the farm. Time will heal.  Of course, moving to Fall River means that a Popeye’s is only fifteen minutes away. LOL. Hey, trying to find the bright side. Oh, and I can get a chow mein sandwich here too. The things we remember from our childhood.

I am okay. I will survive. I will have my moments and some low points. I think that loneliness can do that. The apartment complex has a portal where people can sign in and join groups. Unfortunately, it appears that no one takes advantage of this. I heard that they have events here to bring people together, but so far, nothing. I posted in a few groups, but only got one response. I tried to look up my cousin to see if they are still here in Fall River, but she seems to have dropped off Facebook. My sister works at the facility next door and said that if she forgets her lunch she knows where to go now. We will see.

So I have been struggling, but back to work and making routines that help to ease the transition.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

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