Happy Pride Month!!

I believe it was President Clinton who first recognized Pride Month in June. First, President Bill Clinton declared June “Gay & Lesbian Pride Month” in 1999 and 2000. Of course, most LGBTQ+ people owe a lot to the Stonewall riots. It is so unfortunate that sometimes that is what it takes to evoke change. Unfortunately, we are seeing that once again

From the History Channel, The Stonewall Riots, also called the Stonewall Uprising, began in the early hours of June 28, 1969 when New York City police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay club located in Greenwich Village in New York City. The raid sparked a riot among bar patrons and neighborhood residents as police roughly hauled employees and patrons out of the bar, leading to six days of protests and violent clashes with law enforcement outside the bar on Christopher Street, in neighboring streets and in nearby Christopher Park. The Stonewall Riots served as a catalyst for the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.

As my followers know, I am Transgender. The T, in LGBTQ+. I have chronicled it here on my site since 2016. I have always questioned my sexual leanings. My original psychologist suggested that I was bisexual. She offered that I should try being with a man. Unfortunately, I was in the midst of a very nasty divorce and felt it was not prudent to add that into the mix. It was bad enough that I had come out as transgender, but adding that I was bisexual was not prudent at that time. I did know that one of my favorite shows was X-Files as I had a crush on both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

As I got more involved with LGBTQ+ I started to look more closely at who I was attracted to. Until recently, it was moot as I was and am still married. I am separated now, but I still honor my vows so I am not involved with anyone. As I looked at what attracts or rather who attracts me, I came across sapiosexual.

The Sapiosexual

As a Sapiosexual, you have a special fetish for intelligence. Although you may find the bodies of people attractive, and their personalities charming, unless they show any real sign of intelligence, you will not take any sexual interest in them. Basically, a person can be the richest, most socially suave person there is, but unless they know the periodic table or the writings of Karl Marx off by heart, they are nothing but a sparkling smile to you.

To stay long in a relationship, you must be intellectually compatible with your lover, otherwise your union was doomed from the start. As a Sapiosexual, steamy debate is far more erotic than a massage. Additionally, in life, you’re much more likely to end up with a “thinker” than a “feeler”, and usually find partners in fields that require mental ingenuity rather than brute strength.

I haven’t really seen a consistent flag for sapiosexual so I didn’t include one. It is interesting when you are looking, just how many different flags and definitions there are. I have also heard bisexual referred to interchangeably with pansexual, though you have others who say they aren’t. So all of you who are confused, join the club.

In the end, I still find myself attracted primarily to women, so some would call me a translesbian. In the end, all the fighting that has happened over the years to get us to this point, should just let us be who we are without all the labels.

I do find that I prefer people with intelligence. I don’t need an Einstein, nor a Mensa candidate, but someone I can have an intelligent conversation with. In the end, I just prefer my own mantra, I don’t care who you love, only that you love.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

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Mission Accomplished!

So, I have been living back in the City since January 1st. I like to walk. I had done a number of walks around the neighborhood. I kept adding to my distance and soon I felt ready to challenge myself. I decided to walk out to St. Patrick’s Cemetery to visit my Grandparent’s grave. I had only an old email from my cousin to go on. I would walk out there and then up and down rows trying to find the grave. The first two attempts I registered over 11,000 steps each time. This time, I had reached out to my cousin again and this time she told me the gravestone number. I actually had it already but didn’t know that was that number on the original note.

This time I succeeded. I found my Grandparent’s grave but still not my Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank was a firefighter here in the city. As I recall, he succumbed to Black Lung. It was a hazard that many firefighters endured back then. Thankfully, the equipment has improved.

Now that I know where my Grandparent’s are, I will make more trips out there. It is a challenging walk. Though, thanks to my cousin Mary, this time the steps were a lot less as I didn’t walk up and down through all the stones. Had I gone deeper in, or realized the number I had written down was the number of the grave, I might have found them earlier. It was good though. Being stuffed up due to Covid it is nice getting out. I rarely see anyone out on my travels, so even though I carry a mask, I don’t have to wear it all the time. There is also a little store on the way so I can stop in there and get something to drink.

I could have given up, but I didn’t. Just like my life, I continue to push forward. I found my Grandparent’s grave and spent a little time with them and talked with them of all the fond memories. The last I had with my Grandmother was when I worked a couple of blocks over and would stop over for lunch. She would usually make me a mac and cheese with tomato. It was amazing. She also had tried to teach me Gaelic. I can be a bit dense, but managed to retain a few minor phrases, such as cupán tae. Though my cousins taught me, Póg mo thóin.

I loved my Grandparents and spent most weekends with them. My Grandmother was the one who got me walking great distances. We used to walk downtown from her home at the corner of Oak and Bank Streets. Many times, she would walk us down to the Thomas Chew Boys and Girls Center. Sometimes, it would be downtown to Columbia Street and Cosmos Pizza. We walked everywhere. So go figure when I was going to St. Patrick’s School and often had to sit with the Mother Superior to wait for my da to come and pick me up. I was given cookies and milk but one day had enough and decided to walk to my Grandmother’s. Little did I know that it didn’t take them long to call the cops. Oh my God, I knew where she lived. It was about two miles from the convent to her house. I remember getting there and she asked where my Father was and I told her I walked. I am surprised she survived the day. She quickly called around. She was notorious for chain smoking her Kents. She would often light one from the other. She was an amazing, loving, caring lady.

My Grandfather was a nut. my memories of him were the bomb. Whether it was spinning tops on the cement slave under the tree in his yard, or parading all of us up to Deckie’s for penny candies. All of our cousins together all in a parade. Grampie would give us all a little money and we would load up with Squirrel nuts and Bazooka bubble gum. Of course all of the cousins would get together on Sunday morning. Off to church on Sunday morning at Sacred Heart, often in the choir loft with my Uncle Kenny who was a renowned Irish Tenor. He inspired my love of music. Afterwards, we all would be back in my Grandparent’s house with Dunkin Donuts that my older cousins picked up.

Saturday night’s with my Grandfather was usually spent watching Lawrence Welk and followed by the Saturday Night Mystery Movie with a rotating cast from Name of the Game with Robert Stack, Heck Ramsey with Richard Boone, McCloud with Dennis Weaver, Columbo with Peter Falk as well as a few others. That inspired my love of mysteries.

The impact my time with my Grandparents can never be understated. My love for them is undying. It was so great to be able to spend a few moments with them again.

On my way out, I was surprised to see a turkey. Odd seeing one in the cemetery.

I always get a kick out of a tour through the cemetery. All the Irish names are represented. There are the McCarthy’s, the Sullivans, the Murphys, Doyles, Coynes, and just about every O’—– name. Well it being St. Patrick’s, is there any wonder.

The thing is, I may not have found my Grandparent’s the first or second time, but I persevered and with my cousin’s help, I found them. Now I know where they are and can visit any time. Though, now that the heat of the day is kicking up, I might be driving until Fall’s cooler weather returns. I still need to find Uncle Frank, and my Uncle Kenny. Never give up, keep pushing through.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

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Empower Yourself!


One of the hardest things to do is to remember your power. This is more important during these times of isolation and separation. I struggle with this every day. Yet, I never stop reaching out to others that may be hurting. That is my power. It is the power to bring light and love to others and promote their healing. I always likened myself to a wounded healer. I have suffered many slings and arrows to get to where I am now. I have been knocked down many times, but I choose to get back up.


There is great wisdom in that meme. I am 61 now. I have gone through a lot. Yet, even when I feel like I am hitting the bottom, I try to reach down and summon that inner warrior spirit to rise up. I have been told that I serve as a light to many who are just starting down this path. It is a scary one, of that, there is no doubt. You run the risk of losing family and friends. Your whole life may end up in upheaval.


I continue to fight. I continue to push through. I continue to try to light the way for others. We never know why we have entered this life. I have learned over time to try to flow with the river. I have found that over time, I have encountered many who I have helped as they come into my life at just the right moment. I have also had many who came into my life at just the right moment to inspire, heal, and raise me up. I may not find joy in the current situation we are in. I am a social person, so the isolation is very hard on me. I understand why we are distancing, but I still crave the touch of another human.  I am also empathic, so when I read comments or people talk on Zoom or Skype, I can hear it in their voices. It drains and I have to pull back for a bit to recharge. No matter what, I will always try be there for others.


I will continue to write my story. I will continue to be a light for others. I will continue draw on my power as a healer to help others. We are all relations.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

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Not A Life Choice – Isolation


I thought I had found my soulmate. I thought we would be together for life. We started an alpaca farm together. In the end, she decided that now that I was finally me, it was time to move on. I get it, I don’t like it, but I get it.  So New Year’s Eve, we packed up all my stuff and moved it to my new apartment. I set about adapting to my new/old place. I say new/old because I have lived in the city off and on over the years. I pretty much know my way around. Some things have changed but most of the streets are still the same. I quickly learned where everything was. I found my pizza place, I found my Chinese place, I was starting to get out. I joined some local groups and was going there at night. Then the shutdown hit.

I think that is when the isolation really hit me. I went from having 27 alpacas, three dogs, and a family to just me. The lack of communication also added to the isolation. The shutdown caused the cancellation of many get-togethers. The only interaction I had was when I went to the market or I would see the neighbor out with her dog. Of course, we had to keep our distance, but it was something.

Eventually, my groups started to do online meetings. It wasn’t the same as in person, but we were able to see each other and joke together. We had a few laughs together and that helped to alleviate things. One of my friends even started to do jewelry shows online. We were meeting every Thursday night to play games and buy bling. I had one friend start connecting using Skype. I was able to connect to people, though we could not touch or hug. It was something. The isolation was getting to me despite the connections. I did manage to get in a few walks, but the weather was not cooperating there. We got into a patch of cold, wet, rainy days. I did manage to get a good day and did a nice long walk that netted over 7000 steps for just that walk. Hoping to get a few more like that.

I often have to fight the darkness that wants to envelope me. It is then when I turn to the images of strong women and call upon my wolf spirit to help me through.


The Governor announced that the stay in place order was to be extended until May 18th. That was not good news, but understandable. The death rate was still going up. I read where the death rate in the US had surpassed the number killed in the Vietnam War! So we do need to do everything we can to flatten the curve.

I may be alone and isolated, but am I really? One thing I found is that when I post on Facebook when I am at a weak point, I get so much love and support in response. I have a lot of people rooting for me. They remind me that my past is behind me and that my best days are yet to come. So I continue to muddle through. I continue to wade through the muck and mire of life. I continue to keep swimming like Dory. I continue to embrace the warrior spirit of Boudica so that I can survive and thrive. We will get through all of this.


We will rise like the phoenix ever higher.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


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Be A Strong Warrior For All People

Like everyone, I have my moments of weakness and doubt. I have learned over my long life to push through. There have been many times in this life that I have been there at the right moment for someone. I am love and light. I will persevere so that I may continue to be there for others.

I posted that today on Facebook, but it had me thinking. I have been through many trials in my life. I have had love and lost it many times. I have been to the highs of life and sunk to its darkest nadir. The voice of my psychologist and my counselor were always play in my ear, “Remember that you have been here before and you not only survived, but rose higher as a phoenix”.  So not matter how low I feel, I keep pushing on.

I have fortunately relied on many heroic women in my life. I loved Linda Carter as Wonder Woman when I was young. I love Gal Gadot as the new Wonder Woman and can’t wait until Wonder Woman 1984 comes out. Another amazing woman that inspired me so much in my childhood, that I took her name as mine, Emma Peel or Mrs. Peel of the Avengers played by Diana Rigg.


I especially loved her catsuits. The show itself was kind of campy but I loved to watch her in action.  She and Mr. Steed were always getting into fixes but they always managed to come out on top in the end.

Another strong woman I look to when I am at my weakest is Boudica, the Warrior Queen.


Boudica or Boudicca, also known as Boadicea or Boudicea, and in Welsh as Buddug, was a queen of the British Celtic Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61. She was eventually defeated and it is said she took her own life, but she fought hard against the Romans.


When I am looking for inspiration and wisdom, I look to the Goddess Ceredwyn or Cerridwen. In Celtic Welsh mythology, Cerridwen is a powerful Underworld Goddess, and the keeper of the cauldron of knowledge, inspiration and rebirth.  She rules the realms of death, fertility, regeneration, inspiration, magic, enchantment and knowledge. Cerridwen is a shape shifting Goddess, able to take on various forms. She is known as being a white witch or goddess, and is also associated with herbology and astrology.

I am not always strong, but I do try to speak out. I was chatting with someone who works retail. She told me how she doesn’t want the thank you’s. She said they are so overwhelmed that she often comes home exhausted and cries. She said we call them heroes, but they are just trying to survive. I have written about this before. Now they are called heroes, mostly because it is the thing to do these days. Yet, when this all passes, they will still not have the protections they need. Many states are at will states, they can just let you go without cause. For many, that means they lose what pitiful health plans they have. It is further exacerbated by this administration refusing to reopen the exchanges for enrollment. Many are losing their jobs as hours are cut. They don’t want thank you’s, they want help. They want a just and equitable system that will ensure that they are paid well enough to not have to live in poverty despite working thirty to fourty hours a week. They want health care! This is even more needed at this time with a deadly pandemic at our door and they being potentially exposed daily. We need to provide health care to all.  We need to provide a living wage for all. No one should have to work thirty to fourty hours a week and have to live on food stamps. Note, I say thirty to fourty hours because for many, their hours have been cut.  That makes it harder for them to make ends meet and put food on the table and pay their ever increasing rents.

If you really want to say thank you to them. If you really want to help, be a proponent for a living wage and healthcare for all. It is time to stop treating people like tools. It is time to lift people up and truly support and care for each other. We have to be that warrior for others because for many they have no voice because they are silenced under threat of retaliation for speaking out.

As always, my heart, to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

I am Unega Waya, I am White Wolf!


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Transgender Day of Visibility 2020


For those who have followed my series, Not A Life Choice, or any of my other posts, you know that I chose purposefully to be public. The suicide rate for Transgender folk is very high. I chose to use my ability as a writer to educate and inform hoping to bring understanding and acceptance.


The Centre for Suicide Prevention did note that it is often hard to know the actual rate since in many cases, people may not have started to transition, so have not had a name change or gender markers changed.  I have heard the rate is as high as 46% according to other studies.

This current situation with the coronavirus is exacerbating the issue. Many who could dress at home when no one was around, or go out to special places that they could be themselves, suddenly are closed off. If they live with others, they no longer have that private time to experience themselves as their true selves.  We need to reach out to those who we know identify as transgender and check on them. We need to continue to let them know that they are not alone. I am public because I want to put a face to the transgender population. I want to be a light, a beacon, to others, so they know they are not alone and have someone they can reach out to.

On this Day of Visibility, I am visible. I hope to serve as a light of hope to others. You are not alone! Please, if you know someone, reach out to them. Check on them. Ensure that they have that love and support they need. Let’s not let one more person become a statistic.

I am Emma. I am a transwoman. I am light and love.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

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Thread of Life


We have been told over and over how much climate change is a hoax. We sit in denial refusing to do anything that might take us out of our comfort zone. We are seeing pictures of Europe and China that show the lessening pollution as the countries shut down due to this pandemic. Interesting, now that China is ramping back up, we see the return of the pollution. That belies the idea that this is not man made. There was a picture of the canals in Venice that were showing the water clearing. Man is showing themselves as a parasite on the earth destroying all. We are poisoning the land and seas for our own benefit.

There is a quote from Alanis Obamsawin, “When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money.”

There is a lot of truth to this. This current administration is moving to undo all the protections that were put in place when Nixon created the EPA. A lot of the rules and regulations were put in place because Corporations choose to put profits over people and pollute the land and water for expediency. How long will it be before the rivers run red again and we have toxic waste dumps near playgrounds and people getting cancer due to PCBs? We have one earth. We can see that in a short period the earth can recover and we can have blue skies and clean air and water. All it took was shutting down the world for a few days. How much better would it be if we worked towards a more permanent solution. We hear the stories of how Nestle’s and other water companies are buying up rights to our aquifers in order to ensure their profits when all the water becomes unsafe to drink. Will water become that much of a dwindling resource that we will get to the point of not having water to wash or cook? How much are you willing to pay?

Our current situation, with many being quarantined and whole cities shutting down, is uncomfortable to many. The isolation is getting to people. The inability to go out and eat and having to be careful to disinfect everything. Not being able to just run out to the store to pick up a few things. All of this could become the way of life.

Or we could seek permanent solutions. It is our choice. You cannot eat money.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit!
Unega Waya (White Wolf)

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Not A Life Choice – Stop Attacking the Kids!


For those who are unaware, Republicans are trying to legislate transgender kids out of existence. In a number of states they are trying to prevent kids from being able to get the hormones and blockers that they need to begin their transition. In some cases, they are even going to the extreme measure of making it a crime so they can lock up the doctors that support these kids. They are trying to legislate to prevent them from having corrective surgery. This is heinous and inhumane!

A study from September of 2018 showed harrowing statistics from a study recently published by the American Academy of Pediatrics revealed alarming levels of attempted suicide among transgender youth — with the highest rates among transgender boys and non-binary youth. The findings emphasize the urgency of building welcoming and safe communities for LGBTQ young people, particularly for transgender youth.

More than half of transgender male teens who participated in the survey reported attempting suicide in their lifetime, while 29.9 percent of transgender female teens said they attempted suicide. Among non-binary youth, 41.8 percent of respondents stated that they had attempted suicide at some point in their lives.

Many transgender young people experience family rejection, bullying and harassment, or feel unsafe for simply being who they are – all of which can be added risk factors for suicide. Earlier this year, HRC released its 2018 LGBTQ Youth Report, which detailed similarly alarming experiences — but also significant perseverance among LGBTQ young people in the face of daunting challenges.

I have been involved with First Event’s Fashion Show for a number of years. I have to say that when I see the kids going down the runway,  they are beeming! That is the way they should be all the time. We should give love and support to the transgender youth.

Unfortunately, for many, once they reveal themselves to the world they open themselves up to ostracism by their own families. Many are even kicked out of their homes and forced to live on the street.  They risk being bullied. Some turn to drugs, others may go to the sex trade in order to try to raise funds to get their hormones. These are kids!!

The sad part is that many who hate use religion as a cudgel. They pull up passages from the Bible to justify their hate and derision. They forget that Jesus gave them one commandment, Love! Not love if, or love but, just love. How is beating up a kid for being who they are showing love?

I started my journey in a time before wide spread Internet and the wealth of information available. The only place I knew about that I could go and talk with similar people was a place called #GenHaven on the old IRQ channels. Now there has to be hundreds of Facebook pages just for Transgender, let alone the entire LGBTQ spectrum. And it is a spectrum.

If you have followed my series from the start, one of the first I did, was called, Not A Life Choice. In it, I brought out the studies that were done up to that point, the medical information, and so much more. That was back in August of 2016. Here we are in 2020 and you would think with all the additional research that has been done, and there is a plethora of new studies and continuing research, that we would have gotten to the point of acceptance. Unfortunately, many choose to hold fast to hate and ignorance. The saddest part is the children are the ones who suffer. How heinous and hateful do you have to be to try to legislate someone out of existence! We live in a very ugly world. It is full of hate and ignorance. I am and will continue to try to shine a light to pull people out of their ignorance and towards acceptance. Science tells us that LGBTQ people exist and always have. Those of us that have been brave enough to step out into the light are paving the way to new research, new breakthroughs, and new discoveries.  As more come forward, just by sheer numbers, we will not be ignored.

I embrace the spirit of the wolf, I am Unega Waya, I am a pathfinder and teacher.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

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Erin Go Bra-less


I prefer to celebrate the life of Boudica, the Celtic warrior Queen. Most of my life, I have celebrated my Irish roots. My middle name is Morgaine. An alternative name for Morgan le Fay in original legends and some modern adaptations such as The Mists of Avalon. Of course, those who have followed my blog know that my first name was derived from the 60’s hit The Avengers and the character Mrs. Peel, played by Diana Rigg. I used to love watching that show and even got the seasons with Emma Peel in it on DVD.


Getting back to this guy Patrick. I have always had a hard time celebrating this day. I never saw Patrick as a hero to the Irish. The farce of him driving the snakes out of Ireland is pure malarkey. The snakes referred to the Druids. The Druid priests and priestesses would tattoo serpents on their arms. It was the Druids that he drove out.

When I left the Catholic Church, one of the first spiritual paths I tried to learn was the Druidic path. I learned that they were poets and story tellers, bards, healers. There were many levels to Druidry.

Primus Lapidem Miliarium – The First Milestone, the way of the Aspirant

Secundus Lapidem Milarium – The Second Milestone, from Novice to Bard

Tertius Lapidem Milarium – The Third Milestone, Ovate, Master and beyond

But to those who believe they have passed the last milestone, hold on a moment.  We have only reached the end of the beginning. And those who are truly meant to be on the druidic path will again be overjoyed at this revelation. The horizon that we were chasing has mysteriously moved farther away.  What new discovery, what amazing knowledge awaits?

I have always been a spiritual person. I am not religious. I was involved with the Roman Catholic Church. I spent two years as a Youth Minister, ministering to young people out of a center in Middletown, RI. I had even tried going into the seminary and becoming a priest. I was always seen as a spiritual person, so many  thought because I was raised Roman Catholic that it was my destiny. Fortunately not!

I walked away from the Roman Catholic Church, and decided to follow my own path. My first venture was to learn Druidry since I am Irish. I felt that was more the native spiritual path of the Celts than Catholicism. From there, I learned Shamanism. I continued to learn and grow. I learned to expand my mind and accept all paths. This was reinforced when I read a book, Seven Masters One Path, which brought together the teachings of many masters, Lao Tzu, Patanjali, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Gurdjieff, and Krishnamurti. What this did was to open my mind to the realization of the Hindu Koan, “There are many paths up the mountain and the only one not getting to the top is the one who runs around and around telling everyone else they are on the wrong path!” Another saying I embraced was

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

I continued to learn and grow. I continue to study Shamanism, but have added Curanderismo and Native American healing ways. I have also dabbled into Quantum Physics as there are aspects of that that ties into a lot of my studies and shows the interconnectedness of us all.

Now, I did mention my aversion to St. Patrick. As part of my learning all of these healing ways, I learned to open myself to things. During one of these times, I had what felt like a flashback. In it, Patrick had reached out to the Druids in order to bring the two together. Or rather, that was what he said. He scheduled a meeting between the Druids and Roman Catholics. The Druids were punctual and arrived early. They gathered in the building and were waiting on the Roman Catholics. At that time, someone shut and barred the doors to the building. The building was then set on fire. The Druids were murdered, burned alive. To this day, anything to do with Irish Green ruffles me. I was told by a Past Life Regressionist that it was a stored memory from a previous life. They say that a lot of our phobias and fears can be due to previous life issues as well as current PTSDs. Who knows. The world is a fascinating place.

So there you have it. My spirituality is not religious but one of heart. That is why I sign off with the thought, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

That sparked another thought. I was rewatching the movie Celestine Prophesy. In it, they learned that if we project love and return that which we receive, it redoubles on itself and grows in power. I really think we need to spread more love in this world. Our hearts need to be open to each other. There is too much darkness, hate, and violence. I hope more people will be a light to others. Imlak’esh, “within you another me, & within me another you”.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit


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Just Keep Swimming….


Probably the hardest thing to do is to keep pushing forward. I was thinking about things and how my mind is all over the place these days. I think Dory’s mantra, just keep swimming, fits.

The hardest adjustment for me has been the isolation. At times, I feel like I have been discarded, unwanted. I bury myself in my books, or escape in a movie or TV show. I try to continue to write but, at times, feel like I am becoming redundant. I know I have to continue to write. I have read comments that have been left both here and on Facebook. They remind me that this just isn’t about me, but also about others who are following. So I keep swimming.

It is interesting, all the thoughts that go through your mind when you are all alone and isolated. Mind you, I have gotten involved with a group and am starting to get out at least two times a week. So, not totally isolated. Cindy allowed me to take Jazzie for a bit on Sunday. I brought her to the walk around the big pond at Bristol Community College and then back to the apartment. She started to whine a bit at the apartment because it was quiet, unlike the farm. I also live right on a major thoroughfare, so you can hear the rush of traffic. We visited for a while and then I brought her home. I miss her but giving some real thought about whether I really want to get a puppy for myself. I love animals, but if I am going out a couple of nights a week, the puppy would be alone. I have to think of the puppy and not just my needs. I do need the social interaction, so I do need those two nights out a week.

Sometimes I sit and my mind wanders. I end up having crazy thoughts. I try to let them pass. Sometimes it is best to just let things wash over you and release them rather than dwell. One such, was that I thought how I would be perfect for the CIA right now. No one would notice if I was gone, I am unattached, and a low will to live. Don’t worry, I still have some will, just not much. I do get those feelings that if I died tomorrow, who would notice? I let them pass over and try to refocus in a more positive direction. You have to. You can’t just dwell in the darkness. I do try to open the blinds a bit to ensure there is natural light in the apartment. Sometimes it is the little things.

I am trying to push through. I try to redirect my thoughts when they start to go to the darkness. My counselor had given me a book that deals with the psychology of rewiring your thinking. It was interesting research that was done. I use it to recognize when I go to the dark places and pull myself back.

For those who may actually worry about me, know that I cannot take my life. Trust me, I have tried. I may not have a great desire to live and just feel like I am wading through the water and just keep swimming, but I also recognize that at times in my life, I have said the right word or shared at the right time for someone. I live my life as a wounded healer. My power is in my words. I am the Consejera, a counselor. Despite all that I go through, my heart is open to those who need it.

I may not feel loved at times. I may feel alone and discarded, but my heart, my heart is always open to those who need it. I may struggle, but I live life to be love.

My  heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


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