Not a Life Choice – Counting Down


So today, 5/27, marks the final two weeks. Fourteen days to go. I have already gotten my prescription for antibiotics and bowel cleansing. Cindy is going to get us a room in Boston so we will be close to the hospital. This is so we don’t have to get up so early to get there for the 6am start time.

I have been having trouble sleeping of late. I have too many things running through my mind at the moment. I really have to focus on my surgery at this time, but will also have to find a new place to live sometime around September.  I have no idea what my future holds, but just have to keep pressing on.

The nurse sent a list of things I should get to be ready. I immediately put in an order and got most of it. I think the most important will be the “donut” to sit on when we come home.

So, I will arrive on the Tuesday at 6am at the hospital. I will be prepped and spinal put in. I believe the surgery is around five hours. I will stay until Friday afternoon. I will be sent home with the catheter and packing. I will have to return on Monday to have that removed and go over the dilation procedures that I will have to follow. I just keep rereading everything to ensure I don’t miss anything.

To say that this will be a life-altering procedure is putting in lightly. Not only will I finally have the parts I should have had since birth, but my marriage will be ending towards the end of the year. We are to remain friends and even go out now and then, but we will no longer live in the same house. That is a major adjustment for me.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s a few years ago. Very high functioning, but also very reactive to change. So with all that has gone on recently, It is disturbing. I have to push through though, and keep on keeping on. I have been thinking a lot of my old dog Brandy. She was a great dog and would often go for rides with me. We lost her to cancer.

Today, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Cindy’s Father, Sister, and Brother’s graves. It is hard to believe it has been seven years since his passing to that awful disease, Alzheimers. I broke down and cried. I loved her Dad. As I left, I had another cry over all the changes. I have gone through changes many times before and somehow always managed to come out better in the end. I am hoping this will be the same.

I have a lot to go through. It is funny how I am more concerned with taking that bowel cleanse stuff than the surgery. I will endure the pain. I will get through this major change, and then, focus on the future.

I am not sure where I will finally end up, but hoping it is a good place.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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