Thoughts On A Cloudy Day

I have been writing for a long time. I even won an award for writing when I wrote for World Wide Hippies. Unfortunately, I am not in a good place. I lost my job end of last year and have been struggling to find a new one. I have an interview set up for tomorrow. Hoping. I have been dealing with depression though I hide it well. I miss my family. I moved to New Hampshire and don’t get to see them. I used to see my sister Donna now and then when I was out walking in Fall River. She worked next door at Trusedale Clinic. I used to walk all over Fall River. I challenged myself one birthday to walk all the way out to St. Patrick’s Church. I think it is the Good Shephard now, but I had gone there as a kid. The back story is that I got tired of sitting with the Mother Superior every day and decided to walk across town to my Grandparent’s house on the corner of Oak and Bank. I got in a heap of trouble for that. I challenged myself to climb Seven Hills (President Ave) in Fall River. I did it seven times in one day. Needless to say, I got my elevator award a number of times in Fitbit. I used to do 10,000 steps minimum a day. In winter, I would walk around the kitchen table to get in my steps. Somehow, I always got them.

I miss my kids. I used to be able to go to my daughter’s, whose birthday is today! I did go down to Massachusetts to my sons place for Christmas. I haven’t seen them since. I have been living with a deaf woman who has been teaching me how to sign. That is a good thing. The thing is that I really am struggling. I lost my job end of last year. It was a good paying job. I chose to move to be with my new girlfriend. I fortunately had a good 401k plan so I have cash when I need it. I hope to get back working soon. I hate that my job is finding a job. I struggle with confidence now. I am hoping that things turn around soon, but I struggle to keep positive.

I hope my rudder gets righted soon.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Sometimes it just feels like you are just slogging along. Things turned south for me at the end of last year when the company I worked for twenty years, let me go. I have been trying to get along since. I have applied to a number of jobs, but no one hired me yet.

My life used to be highly social. I was a Mason, I made Senior Steward in Blue Lodge, but was High Priest in my Chapter. I was also Captain General in Commandery (Knights Templar). I was also the District Ambassador. I was always on the go.

I used to host cooking shows with Joe Furtado from Pampered Chef and Maureen Morisi from Epicurean. I loved doing the shows. All of that ended. I met someone online and moved to New Hampshire. My social life has all been snuffed out. I used to meet with the T.W.I.S.T group on Tuesday nights. I think Late Bloomer Lesbians met on Wednesday night. I was always doing something. I even had my own Facebook page, Sparkle with Lady Emma, where I would showcase some of Touchstone by Swarovski’s jewelry. I have a lot of that. I am wearing one of the ice bracelets as well as the earrings and necklace in green today.

I miss having things to do. I miss yelling out O-69 when Renee Fleming had her bling parties and we played Blingo! My life used to be full but I was laid off from my job after twenty years and now my job is searching for a job. I am hoping something will happen soon and remote would be great. I worked remotely in my last job. It was great.

For now, I deal as best as I can to fight depression. I am learning sign language, though Pauline gets frustrated with me a lot. I end up crying a lot because I am trying to get up to speed, but not always grasping things. I want to make her happy, but I struggle. I do miss my old life that I felt valued. It is hard these days because without a job, I feel devalued. I feel a toss away.

I used to give the talks to visitors when we had the alpaca farm together. I would explain about how alpacas are part of the camelid family which includes vicuna, guaranas, alpacas, and llamas. That all ended.

None of this was in my control, so I just push on. I try to reach out to others when I can. Mostly, it is just Pauline and I. My social life is gone. Sometimes I feel death is better. I let those thoughts pass on. I just want to be happy again. I want to love life. Sometimes I think, the worst choice I made was to be me. I just wanted to live my authentic life. I have paid a huge price to be me.

Trying to push on,

Lady Emma Croft

I remember at the farm I would make a whole leg of lamb. I did all kinds of hors devours. I would make my deviled eggs, three types of wings, just as a precursor. I would have wine and various liquors available. I loved entertaining. I loved making people smile with my cooking.

So much has changed in my life. It all started with me losing a job I had for 20 years. I was able to work remotely and had an apartment where I could cook whatever I wanted. Unfortunately, all things come to an end. I lost the job. I moved to New Hampshire.

I miss doing the Jewelry shows. I still have my site on Facebook, Sparkle with Lady Emma. I do continue to post but not as frequent. I used to do food demonstrations too. I had my rep, Joe Furtado with Pampered Chef and Maureen Morisi with Epicurean. I loved Epicurean. I still have some of the packets for making Alfredo sauce and a few others. I don’t get to do that anymore. I did order some more Greek seasoning so I can make my lamb gyros. I also have some Souvlaki seasoning to use on chicken tenders. Roll either of those up in a burrito roll with Tzatziki and perfect!

Life has changed so much for me. I just keep pushing forward. That is all you can do. I miss modeling and doing the Fashion Shows. I haven’t gone in years. It used to be exciting. Now I just try to get by day by day.

My life just seems to get worse. My one saving grace is my love for Pauline. Granted there is a lot of issues with our relationship with Pauline. It can be difficult at times due to her being deaf, but we keep working for me to learn sign to communicate. I was just informed that a job I was assigned to do through Robert Half has ended, I was just beginning training, I have had a lack of sleep due to working at night. Well now that they released me, no more nights, no more work, no more life,

I have struggled a lot. I have thought many times about ending my life. Pauline keeps me going, It is so hard to just plod along. I love Pauline and want us to succeed, Unfortunately, everything always seems stacked against us, I just want her to be happy. I want to help her.

Probably the worst is all the feelings of loss, Losing this latest job made things worse, I am spiraling down. I seek death. Life sucks and then you die, I have really come to believe that.. Working at CSQuared was difficult with the lack of training. I was hoping for a good income so I could move us forward, I am to the pint of giving up, but I can never, Day by day, One foot in front of the other. I just have to plod forward, My life sucks and I yearn to die,

I unfortunately am cursed to live to 93. That is why I push forward. Never give up.

My life to your life one heart, one spirit,

Emma

Those who have followed my blogs note that I started life as a Chef. If you can count receiving the Rotarian Award for Outstanding Food Service, then an award winning chef. Unfortunately, things have changed a lot since last year.

It all started with me losing a job I loved and enjoyed. I was told it was due to cost cutting, but have my doubts. I gave twenty years to that job. I saw a lot of changes over the years. I was told at one point to work from home, after my boss tried to have a meeting with me and the salesmen were yelling about their golf games. So much history with that company. I can recall being on the roof in the middle of a storm when the A/C went out. It was scary but I did it.

I have started a new job. I am still trying to sort what my duties will be as I have yet to be trained. That is scheduled for next week. Patience.

One of the things I loved and miss is making dishes. I used to buy a lot from Epicurean (Maureen Morisi) and Pampered Chef, (Joe Furtado), as well as Tastefully Simple. (Donna Russo). I used to love to make lamb gyros with Tzatziki Sauce. I used to buy Spices and rubs from White Wolf Spices too. I loved to cook. The last thing I really cooked was ribs using a Cherry rub I got from White Wolf Spices. The ribs came out great. Tonight, I had a frozen dinner.

I will miss my wine too. I used to get wine delivered by the case and always had some available. That is done too. I will be drinking coffee only. My life has been totally upended since I moved. I found a nice Thai place, but never go there anymore. They had drunken noodles that was the bomb.

I miss a lot about Fall River. I used to take my dog for a walk around the area. We went everywhere. I even climbed Seven Hills seven times in one day. I gave my business to the locals. I loved the tarts at Confectioners on New Boston Road. I could order pizza at Highland or order from Dominos. I loved the Chinese at Asia One. I do have a Chinese restaurant right next door but my new girlfriend is not a fan, so that is out. Before I got my new job, I did try some of the local places. We do hit Cracker Barrel for breakfast on the weekends.

It is a big adjustment, but when you love someone, you give your all.

I will adjust. I will adapt. I will overcome.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

I have really been struggling. It is like one complication after another. My new girlfriend is at hospital right now. She has been dealing with pain and discomfort. It sucks. I try to be supportive, but not sure what I can do other than help her take care of her cats. I have had to make a lot of adjustments. I want us to have a happy life together. I want us to enjoy life. It is just so difficult. I started a new job. I am away all day. I hope that I can get my dog into a daycare so she won’t have to take care of her during the day. Unfortunately, they have been hit with kennel cough and Ginger isn’t fully immunized since I moved.

I miss Fall River. It is tough being isolated. I used to walk the streets with my Fitbit and scored a lot of points. Since moving to New Hampshire, I struggle to make my 10k steps. I still try. I go to work every day. I don’t get to hit my hourly steps but can still make my total steps. I used to walk all over Fall River. I miss all my contacts and friends. I used to meet up with my friend Jeffrey Gaudreau. We would go to Battleship Cove and do the boardwalk. I miss going to Elite for electrolysis. I miss going to the bakery around the corner. I used to do my walk around the neighborhood. I miss going up President Ave a number of times in a day. It was the perfect place to walk and get my points.

I went to St. Patrick’s school when I was a kid. I even took a walk out to there a few times. I walked past the Lizzie Borden house which is a B&B now and even went by Maplecroft, her house later. Fall River was so rich in history and a great place to walk. I am struggling now. I really am trying to push through everything. My soon to be ex has had no communication with me. I am waiting on the FedEx with the divorce papers to sign. My life is so complicated right now. I push through. Part of me just wants to end it all and see what is on the other side, but I cannot take a life, not even my own. Life sucks and then you die.

At this time, I am praying for Pauline. She is at the hospital right now. I took care of her cats for her, but I can’t help her pain. I am hoping they can find something and fix it. I love her. I have been discarded by everyone else in my life. Pauline has been there with me. We have our differences but we work through it. I hope I can continue to push through, but all the negative in my life makes it hard. Just know that I continue to live to help to inspire others to push through the difficulties in life and be yourself.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest mistake in my life was becoming me. I am post-op and have had the surgery. I am transgender. Pauline accepted that. She has loved me. I try to learn sign language. It can be tough and she gets frustrated with me, but we push on.

I have felt like I want to end my life, but I cannot. I owe it to Pauline to push through and try to be the best partner for her and support her. She is my current life source.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s years ago. It is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder. One of the things that is upsetting to someone who was diagnosed with Asperger’s is change. One thing that I am in abundance of is change these days. It all started with me losing my job. That prompted a whirlwind of change. I had already started to check out the dating scene. I tried Match, but no luck, I found someone on OurTime, dating for seniors.

A little background on me. I started life as a chef. I love to cook. I love to try new things. I love to experiment. I used to be known for my ribs, wings and lamb. All of that has changed. I used to buy stuff from my friend Joe Furtado who was a rep for Pampered Chef. I used to buy from Maureen Morisi from Epicurean. I loved a lot of their products. I used to do demos for them. I also used to push Touchstone by Swarovski through Rene Fleming. She even set me up with my own page on Facebook, Sparkle with Lady Emma.

I miss all of that. I miss trying new foods. I miss experimenting. I found love and I gave all of that up. It gets to me sometimes but I will take being loved over all the rest. My friend Maureen did send me some milder stuff to try, but I miss buying a boneless lamb and cubing it to make lamb gyros with Tzatziki sauce in a wrap. Oooh that was so good. I also miss making chicken Souvlaki. Pauline likes things with no pink. She loves simple foods. I don’t even use hot sauces anymore. I do it all for love.

I miss my spicy foods, but I did find a Thai place in a plaza nearby. We like to go to a couple of local places for Breakfast. We have a Cracker Barrel one exit up and a Poor Boys Diner up 28. We love them both. Market Basket is one exit up too. So it isn’t like I am going hungry.

It is an adjustment that I am willing to make. I want us to be happy. We have plans to go to Puerto Rico for a wedding. We are going to make it a vacation. I still suffer from suicidal ideation but feeling that we have a future, it helps me to get through. I gave my heart and soul to the farm and loved giving the informational tours, but that was ended and I was told I had to move. I spent a few years alone and now have somebody. I even moved to New Hampshire! I always loved it here and said once I wanted to move here. Now I live here and work in Auburn, NH. I have a short commute to work each morning. I miss working from home, but it’s a job. I hope it works out and I can have a permanent income.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Love Emma

Apologies to my followers, I haven’t posted in quite a while. I have been focused on my move to New Hampshire and learning sign language. I almost have the alphabet down but still struggle with a lot of it. Pauline has had a lot of patience with me but I know it gets to her sometimes.

I have had to adopt to my new surroundings. I found a few places to eat but Pauline is not big on eating out a lot. She also prefers food cooked well done. Myself, I like a medium rare steak but Pauline is well done.

Another change I had to adopt is limiting my wine consumption. I used to get it delivered by the case but now I limit myself to those single ones that contain maybe a glass or two. Might be a good thing for me. I miss my Chinese. I love Chinese but Pauline isn’t that fond of it. There is a barbecue place across the street. We tried it once and she liked it. Not sure why we haven’t gone back.

We do like to go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. It is nice there is one just one exit away. They have a good breakfast. I tried going in the afternoon to try their fried chicken but it wasn’t that good. I think I like KFC better or better yet, Popeyes but that is up in Manchester. Pauline is not much into spicy so that would have to be when I am on my own. I did find a Thai place locally. I tried it once and it was pretty good.

All in all, we take things day by day. I have been helping with some of the remodeling which reminds me, I have to get back to that.

Take care, and as always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. While it opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with all my life. For those who don’t know Asperger’s, it is what is called high functioning autism. One of the reasons that it is difficult for me to accept changes. Routine is something we embrace. Change is difficult. That is an understatement. My situation aside, I deal with changes in my life taking things day by day.

One of the things that I have had to deal with is a new relationship. I love Pauline. I try hard to try to learn ASL. My girlfriend is deaf. I struggle at times, but I am learning. Slowly, but learning. Pauline gets frustrated with me at times, but in the end we are in love. Love conquers all.

Change is tough. I really have to have patience. I really need to go the extra mile. I need to push aside the fear and insecurity that envelopes me at times. Let me tell you, sometimes it is difficult.

Love conquers all.

Pauline is a special lady. I just hope I can be the person she wants me to be. I want to make her beyond happy. We have a few projects we are working on, and have hopes to one day buy a home of our own. Unfortunately, I also am trying to get my divorce finalized.

I sometimes feel extremely tired. It is like I am dealing with multiple fronts sometimes. Change can suck sometimes, especially when you have to depend on others.

I want Pauline to have a great life. I want her to be able to quit her job and let me take care of her. I cry sometimes because everything is dependent on others and out of my control. I fight the urge to take my life.

Change is tough, but I will keep pushing through. I just want to have a life again. I want to live without fear or change. I want to have a consistent life. I want to normalize. I want to have a routine that makes me comfortable.

Pauline and I have really hit it off. I plan on moving there soon. I spent a week with her and we took a walk out on the railway trail. This is a trail that they paved to make it an easy walking and bike path.

Pauline makes me very happy. It was great walking the trail with all the colors. She is helping me with ASL so that we can communicate better. I just want her to be happy and smiling all the time. The sign we both did in the first pic is I love you.

I am hoping that I continue in this positive direction. Between Covid and isolation it has been a rough few years, but hopefully that is past and we can work to build a great life for ourselves.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma