Sometimes it just feels like you are just slogging along. Things turned south for me at the end of last year when the company I worked for twenty years, let me go. I have been trying to get along since. I have applied to a number of jobs, but no one hired me yet.
My life used to be highly social. I was a Mason, I made Senior Steward in Blue Lodge, but was High Priest in my Chapter. I was also Captain General in Commandery (Knights Templar). I was also the District Ambassador. I was always on the go.
I used to host cooking shows with Joe Furtado from Pampered Chef and Maureen Morisi from Epicurean. I loved doing the shows. All of that ended. I met someone online and moved to New Hampshire. My social life has all been snuffed out. I used to meet with the T.W.I.S.T group on Tuesday nights. I think Late Bloomer Lesbians met on Wednesday night. I was always doing something. I even had my own Facebook page, Sparkle with Lady Emma, where I would showcase some of Touchstone by Swarovski’s jewelry. I have a lot of that. I am wearing one of the ice bracelets as well as the earrings and necklace in green today.
I miss having things to do. I miss yelling out O-69 when Renee Fleming had her bling parties and we played Blingo! My life used to be full but I was laid off from my job after twenty years and now my job is searching for a job. I am hoping something will happen soon and remote would be great. I worked remotely in my last job. It was great.
For now, I deal as best as I can to fight depression. I am learning sign language, though Pauline gets frustrated with me a lot. I end up crying a lot because I am trying to get up to speed, but not always grasping things. I want to make her happy, but I struggle. I do miss my old life that I felt valued. It is hard these days because without a job, I feel devalued. I feel a toss away.
I used to give the talks to visitors when we had the alpaca farm together. I would explain about how alpacas are part of the camelid family which includes vicuna, guaranas, alpacas, and llamas. That all ended.
None of this was in my control, so I just push on. I try to reach out to others when I can. Mostly, it is just Pauline and I. My social life is gone. Sometimes I feel death is better. I let those thoughts pass on. I just want to be happy again. I want to love life. Sometimes I think, the worst choice I made was to be me. I just wanted to live my authentic life. I have paid a huge price to be me.
Trying to push on,
Lady Emma Croft