Thoughts On A Cloudy Day

I believe it was President Clinton who first recognized Pride Month in June. First, President Bill Clinton declared June “Gay & Lesbian Pride Month” in 1999 and 2000. Of course, most LGBTQ+ people owe a lot to the Stonewall riots. It is so unfortunate that sometimes that is what it takes to evoke change. Unfortunately, we are seeing that once again

From the History Channel, The Stonewall Riots, also called the Stonewall Uprising, began in the early hours of June 28, 1969 when New York City police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay club located in Greenwich Village in New York City. The raid sparked a riot among bar patrons and neighborhood residents as police roughly hauled employees and patrons out of the bar, leading to six days of protests and violent clashes with law enforcement outside the bar on Christopher Street, in neighboring streets and in nearby Christopher Park. The Stonewall Riots served as a catalyst for the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.

As my followers know, I am Transgender. The T, in LGBTQ+. I have chronicled it here on my site since 2016. I have always questioned my sexual leanings. My original psychologist suggested that I was bisexual. She offered that I should try being with a man. Unfortunately, I was in the midst of a very nasty divorce and felt it was not prudent to add that into the mix. It was bad enough that I had come out as transgender, but adding that I was bisexual was not prudent at that time. I did know that one of my favorite shows was X-Files as I had a crush on both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

As I got more involved with LGBTQ+ I started to look more closely at who I was attracted to. Until recently, it was moot as I was and am still married. I am separated now, but I still honor my vows so I am not involved with anyone. As I looked at what attracts or rather who attracts me, I came across sapiosexual.

The Sapiosexual

As a Sapiosexual, you have a special fetish for intelligence. Although you may find the bodies of people attractive, and their personalities charming, unless they show any real sign of intelligence, you will not take any sexual interest in them. Basically, a person can be the richest, most socially suave person there is, but unless they know the periodic table or the writings of Karl Marx off by heart, they are nothing but a sparkling smile to you.

To stay long in a relationship, you must be intellectually compatible with your lover, otherwise your union was doomed from the start. As a Sapiosexual, steamy debate is far more erotic than a massage. Additionally, in life, you’re much more likely to end up with a “thinker” than a “feeler”, and usually find partners in fields that require mental ingenuity rather than brute strength.

I haven’t really seen a consistent flag for sapiosexual so I didn’t include one. It is interesting when you are looking, just how many different flags and definitions there are. I have also heard bisexual referred to interchangeably with pansexual, though you have others who say they aren’t. So all of you who are confused, join the club.

In the end, I still find myself attracted primarily to women, so some would call me a translesbian. In the end, all the fighting that has happened over the years to get us to this point, should just let us be who we are without all the labels.

I do find that I prefer people with intelligence. I don’t need an Einstein, nor a Mensa candidate, but someone I can have an intelligent conversation with. In the end, I just prefer my own mantra, I don’t care who you love, only that you love.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

So, I have been living back in the City since January 1st. I like to walk. I had done a number of walks around the neighborhood. I kept adding to my distance and soon I felt ready to challenge myself. I decided to walk out to St. Patrick’s Cemetery to visit my Grandparent’s grave. I had only an old email from my cousin to go on. I would walk out there and then up and down rows trying to find the grave. The first two attempts I registered over 11,000 steps each time. This time, I had reached out to my cousin again and this time she told me the gravestone number. I actually had it already but didn’t know that was that number on the original note.

This time I succeeded. I found my Grandparent’s grave but still not my Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank was a firefighter here in the city. As I recall, he succumbed to Black Lung. It was a hazard that many firefighters endured back then. Thankfully, the equipment has improved.

Now that I know where my Grandparent’s are, I will make more trips out there. It is a challenging walk. Though, thanks to my cousin Mary, this time the steps were a lot less as I didn’t walk up and down through all the stones. Had I gone deeper in, or realized the number I had written down was the number of the grave, I might have found them earlier. It was good though. Being stuffed up due to Covid it is nice getting out. I rarely see anyone out on my travels, so even though I carry a mask, I don’t have to wear it all the time. There is also a little store on the way so I can stop in there and get something to drink.

I could have given up, but I didn’t. Just like my life, I continue to push forward. I found my Grandparent’s grave and spent a little time with them and talked with them of all the fond memories. The last I had with my Grandmother was when I worked a couple of blocks over and would stop over for lunch. She would usually make me a mac and cheese with tomato. It was amazing. She also had tried to teach me Gaelic. I can be a bit dense, but managed to retain a few minor phrases, such as cupán tae. Though my cousins taught me, Póg mo thóin.

I loved my Grandparents and spent most weekends with them. My Grandmother was the one who got me walking great distances. We used to walk downtown from her home at the corner of Oak and Bank Streets. Many times, she would walk us down to the Thomas Chew Boys and Girls Center. Sometimes, it would be downtown to Columbia Street and Cosmos Pizza. We walked everywhere. So go figure when I was going to St. Patrick’s School and often had to sit with the Mother Superior to wait for my da to come and pick me up. I was given cookies and milk but one day had enough and decided to walk to my Grandmother’s. Little did I know that it didn’t take them long to call the cops. Oh my God, I knew where she lived. It was about two miles from the convent to her house. I remember getting there and she asked where my Father was and I told her I walked. I am surprised she survived the day. She quickly called around. She was notorious for chain smoking her Kents. She would often light one from the other. She was an amazing, loving, caring lady.

My Grandfather was a nut. my memories of him were the bomb. Whether it was spinning tops on the cement slave under the tree in his yard, or parading all of us up to Deckie’s for penny candies. All of our cousins together all in a parade. Grampie would give us all a little money and we would load up with Squirrel nuts and Bazooka bubble gum. Of course all of the cousins would get together on Sunday morning. Off to church on Sunday morning at Sacred Heart, often in the choir loft with my Uncle Kenny who was a renowned Irish Tenor. He inspired my love of music. Afterwards, we all would be back in my Grandparent’s house with Dunkin Donuts that my older cousins picked up.

Saturday night’s with my Grandfather was usually spent watching Lawrence Welk and followed by the Saturday Night Mystery Movie with a rotating cast from Name of the Game with Robert Stack, Heck Ramsey with Richard Boone, McCloud with Dennis Weaver, Columbo with Peter Falk as well as a few others. That inspired my love of mysteries.

The impact my time with my Grandparents can never be understated. My love for them is undying. It was so great to be able to spend a few moments with them again.

On my way out, I was surprised to see a turkey. Odd seeing one in the cemetery.

I always get a kick out of a tour through the cemetery. All the Irish names are represented. There are the McCarthy’s, the Sullivans, the Murphys, Doyles, Coynes, and just about every O’—– name. Well it being St. Patrick’s, is there any wonder.

The thing is, I may not have found my Grandparent’s the first or second time, but I persevered and with my cousin’s help, I found them. Now I know where they are and can visit any time. Though, now that the heat of the day is kicking up, I might be driving until Fall’s cooler weather returns. I still need to find Uncle Frank, and my Uncle Kenny. Never give up, keep pushing through.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

One of the hardest things to do is to remember your power. This is more important during these times of isolation and separation. I struggle with this every day. Yet, I never stop reaching out to others that may be hurting. That is my power. It is the power to bring light and love to others and promote their healing. I always likened myself to a wounded healer. I have suffered many slings and arrows to get to where I am now. I have been knocked down many times, but I choose to get back up.

There is great wisdom in that meme. I am 61 now. I have gone through a lot. Yet, even when I feel like I am hitting the bottom, I try to reach down and summon that inner warrior spirit to rise up. I have been told that I serve as a light to many who are just starting down this path. It is a scary one, of that, there is no doubt. You run the risk of losing family and friends. Your whole life may end up in upheaval.

I continue to fight. I continue to push through. I continue to try to light the way for others. We never know why we have entered this life. I have learned over time to try to flow with the river. I have found that over time, I have encountered many who I have helped as they come into my life at just the right moment. I have also had many who came into my life at just the right moment to inspire, heal, and raise me up. I may not find joy in the current situation we are in. I am a social person, so the isolation is very hard on me. I understand why we are distancing, but I still crave the touch of another human.  I am also empathic, so when I read comments or people talk on Zoom or Skype, I can hear it in their voices. It drains and I have to pull back for a bit to recharge. No matter what, I will always try be there for others.

I will continue to write my story. I will continue to be a light for others. I will continue draw on my power as a healer to help others. We are all relations.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

I thought I had found my soulmate. I thought we would be together for life. We started an alpaca farm together. In the end, she decided that now that I was finally me, it was time to move on. I get it, I don’t like it, but I get it.  So New Year’s Eve, we packed up all my stuff and moved it to my new apartment. I set about adapting to my new/old place. I say new/old because I have lived in the city off and on over the years. I pretty much know my way around. Some things have changed but most of the streets are still the same. I quickly learned where everything was. I found my pizza place, I found my Chinese place, I was starting to get out. I joined some local groups and was going there at night. Then the shutdown hit.

I think that is when the isolation really hit me. I went from having 27 alpacas, three dogs, and a family to just me. The lack of communication also added to the isolation. The shutdown caused the cancellation of many get-togethers. The only interaction I had was when I went to the market or I would see the neighbor out with her dog. Of course, we had to keep our distance, but it was something.

Eventually, my groups started to do online meetings. It wasn’t the same as in person, but we were able to see each other and joke together. We had a few laughs together and that helped to alleviate things. One of my friends even started to do jewelry shows online. We were meeting every Thursday night to play games and buy bling. I had one friend start connecting using Skype. I was able to connect to people, though we could not touch or hug. It was something. The isolation was getting to me despite the connections. I did manage to get in a few walks, but the weather was not cooperating there. We got into a patch of cold, wet, rainy days. I did manage to get a good day and did a nice long walk that netted over 7000 steps for just that walk. Hoping to get a few more like that.

I often have to fight the darkness that wants to envelope me. It is then when I turn to the images of strong women and call upon my wolf spirit to help me through.

The Governor announced that the stay in place order was to be extended until May 18th. That was not good news, but understandable. The death rate was still going up. I read where the death rate in the US had surpassed the number killed in the Vietnam War! So we do need to do everything we can to flatten the curve.

I may be alone and isolated, but am I really? One thing I found is that when I post on Facebook when I am at a weak point, I get so much love and support in response. I have a lot of people rooting for me. They remind me that my past is behind me and that my best days are yet to come. So I continue to muddle through. I continue to wade through the muck and mire of life. I continue to keep swimming like Dory. I continue to embrace the warrior spirit of Boudica so that I can survive and thrive. We will get through all of this.

We will rise like the phoenix ever higher.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

Like everyone, I have my moments of weakness and doubt. I have learned over my long life to push through. There have been many times in this life that I have been there at the right moment for someone. I am love and light. I will persevere so that I may continue to be there for others.

I posted that today on Facebook, but it had me thinking. I have been through many trials in my life. I have had love and lost it many times. I have been to the highs of life and sunk to its darkest nadir. The voice of my psychologist and my counselor were always play in my ear, “Remember that you have been here before and you not only survived, but rose higher as a phoenix”.  So not matter how low I feel, I keep pushing on.

I have fortunately relied on many heroic women in my life. I loved Linda Carter as Wonder Woman when I was young. I love Gal Gadot as the new Wonder Woman and can’t wait until Wonder Woman 1984 comes out. Another amazing woman that inspired me so much in my childhood, that I took her name as mine, Emma Peel or Mrs. Peel of the Avengers played by Diana Rigg.

I especially loved her catsuits. The show itself was kind of campy but I loved to watch her in action.  She and Mr. Steed were always getting into fixes but they always managed to come out on top in the end.

Another strong woman I look to when I am at my weakest is Boudica, the Warrior Queen.

Boudica or Boudicca, also known as Boadicea or Boudicea, and in Welsh as Buddug, was a queen of the British Celtic Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61. She was eventually defeated and it is said she took her own life, but she fought hard against the Romans.

When I am looking for inspiration and wisdom, I look to the Goddess Ceredwyn or Cerridwen. In Celtic Welsh mythology, Cerridwen is a powerful Underworld Goddess, and the keeper of the cauldron of knowledge, inspiration and rebirth.  She rules the realms of death, fertility, regeneration, inspiration, magic, enchantment and knowledge. Cerridwen is a shape shifting Goddess, able to take on various forms. She is known as being a white witch or goddess, and is also associated with herbology and astrology.

I am not always strong, but I do try to speak out. I was chatting with someone who works retail. She told me how she doesn’t want the thank you’s. She said they are so overwhelmed that she often comes home exhausted and cries. She said we call them heroes, but they are just trying to survive. I have written about this before. Now they are called heroes, mostly because it is the thing to do these days. Yet, when this all passes, they will still not have the protections they need. Many states are at will states, they can just let you go without cause. For many, that means they lose what pitiful health plans they have. It is further exacerbated by this administration refusing to reopen the exchanges for enrollment. Many are losing their jobs as hours are cut. They don’t want thank you’s, they want help. They want a just and equitable system that will ensure that they are paid well enough to not have to live in poverty despite working thirty to fourty hours a week. They want health care! This is even more needed at this time with a deadly pandemic at our door and they being potentially exposed daily. We need to provide health care to all.  We need to provide a living wage for all. No one should have to work thirty to fourty hours a week and have to live on food stamps. Note, I say thirty to fourty hours because for many, their hours have been cut.  That makes it harder for them to make ends meet and put food on the table and pay their ever increasing rents.

If you really want to say thank you to them. If you really want to help, be a proponent for a living wage and healthcare for all. It is time to stop treating people like tools. It is time to lift people up and truly support and care for each other. We have to be that warrior for others because for many they have no voice because they are silenced under threat of retaliation for speaking out.

As always, my heart, to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

I am Unega Waya, I am White Wolf!

For those who have followed my series, Not A Life Choice, or any of my other posts, you know that I chose purposefully to be public. The suicide rate for Transgender folk is very high. I chose to use my ability as a writer to educate and inform hoping to bring understanding and acceptance.

The Centre for Suicide Prevention did note that it is often hard to know the actual rate since in many cases, people may not have started to transition, so have not had a name change or gender markers changed.  I have heard the rate is as high as 46% according to other studies.

This current situation with the coronavirus is exacerbating the issue. Many who could dress at home when no one was around, or go out to special places that they could be themselves, suddenly are closed off. If they live with others, they no longer have that private time to experience themselves as their true selves.  We need to reach out to those who we know identify as transgender and check on them. We need to continue to let them know that they are not alone. I am public because I want to put a face to the transgender population. I want to be a light, a beacon, to others, so they know they are not alone and have someone they can reach out to.

On this Day of Visibility, I am visible. I hope to serve as a light of hope to others. You are not alone! Please, if you know someone, reach out to them. Check on them. Ensure that they have that love and support they need. Let’s not let one more person become a statistic.

I am Emma. I am a transwoman. I am light and love.
My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma Morgaine Croft

We have been told over and over how much climate change is a hoax. We sit in denial refusing to do anything that might take us out of our comfort zone. We are seeing pictures of Europe and China that show the lessening pollution as the countries shut down due to this pandemic. Interesting, now that China is ramping back up, we see the return of the pollution. That belies the idea that this is not man made. There was a picture of the canals in Venice that were showing the water clearing. Man is showing themselves as a parasite on the earth destroying all. We are poisoning the land and seas for our own benefit.

There is a quote from Alanis Obamsawin, “When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money.”

There is a lot of truth to this. This current administration is moving to undo all the protections that were put in place when Nixon created the EPA. A lot of the rules and regulations were put in place because Corporations choose to put profits over people and pollute the land and water for expediency. How long will it be before the rivers run red again and we have toxic waste dumps near playgrounds and people getting cancer due to PCBs? We have one earth. We can see that in a short period the earth can recover and we can have blue skies and clean air and water. All it took was shutting down the world for a few days. How much better would it be if we worked towards a more permanent solution. We hear the stories of how Nestle’s and other water companies are buying up rights to our aquifers in order to ensure their profits when all the water becomes unsafe to drink. Will water become that much of a dwindling resource that we will get to the point of not having water to wash or cook? How much are you willing to pay?

Our current situation, with many being quarantined and whole cities shutting down, is uncomfortable to many. The isolation is getting to people. The inability to go out and eat and having to be careful to disinfect everything. Not being able to just run out to the store to pick up a few things. All of this could become the way of life.

Or we could seek permanent solutions. It is our choice. You cannot eat money.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit!
Unega Waya (White Wolf)