Thoughts On A Cloudy Day

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. While it opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with all my life. For those who don’t know Asperger’s, it is what is called high functioning autism. One of the reasons that it is difficult for me to accept changes. Routine is something we embrace. Change is difficult. That is an understatement. My situation aside, I deal with changes in my life taking things day by day.

One of the things that I have had to deal with is a new relationship. I love Pauline. I try hard to try to learn ASL. My girlfriend is deaf. I struggle at times, but I am learning. Slowly, but learning. Pauline gets frustrated with me at times, but in the end we are in love. Love conquers all.

Change is tough. I really have to have patience. I really need to go the extra mile. I need to push aside the fear and insecurity that envelopes me at times. Let me tell you, sometimes it is difficult.

Love conquers all.

Pauline is a special lady. I just hope I can be the person she wants me to be. I want to make her beyond happy. We have a few projects we are working on, and have hopes to one day buy a home of our own. Unfortunately, I also am trying to get my divorce finalized.

I sometimes feel extremely tired. It is like I am dealing with multiple fronts sometimes. Change can suck sometimes, especially when you have to depend on others.

I want Pauline to have a great life. I want her to be able to quit her job and let me take care of her. I cry sometimes because everything is dependent on others and out of my control. I fight the urge to take my life.

Change is tough, but I will keep pushing through. I just want to have a life again. I want to live without fear or change. I want to have a consistent life. I want to normalize. I want to have a routine that makes me comfortable.

Pauline and I have really hit it off. I plan on moving there soon. I spent a week with her and we took a walk out on the railway trail. This is a trail that they paved to make it an easy walking and bike path.

Pauline makes me very happy. It was great walking the trail with all the colors. She is helping me with ASL so that we can communicate better. I just want her to be happy and smiling all the time. The sign we both did in the first pic is I love you.

I am hoping that I continue in this positive direction. Between Covid and isolation it has been a rough few years, but hopefully that is past and we can work to build a great life for ourselves.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

I have fallen head over heels for Pauline. I have been learning sign language so we can better communicate. She has been a great help and very patient. The loveseat we are on was our first purchase together. I have a table, coffee table, and possibly a dinner table. I love this woman. I want to make her beyond happy. I have been on anti-depressants for almost two years. Pauline is my best anti-depressant. She is funny, she is loving, and she teases me as much as I do her. We spent the last week together and I love the area she is in. I am hoping that our love will grow stronger and we can overcome any difficulties. I think we can, I believe we can. It is so good to feel loved again. We text each other often during the day. She has captured my heart and soul.

They say when you are going through a storm, keep going, I have learned that this is true. I almost gave up a few times but fortunately, I didn’t. I am hoping that our love will continue to grow. I was fortunate to spend my vacation with her. It was an amazing time. I introduced her to the local bbq place and she loved it. I hope to move there soon. I have to check if there is an out for my lease otherwise I am stuck until February. It was great to see they had a Cracker Barrel and we went for breakfast one day. I found many familiar places.

Never give up or give in. Sometimes it feels like you are in the middle of a deluge, but keep moving forward. Keep believing in yourself. Push on and through. At one point, I wanted to end my life. If I had, I would not have met Pauline.

Keep the faith! My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Lady Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been fighting depression for a long while. Fortunately, I may have turned a corner. I have been alone for over two years. I tried a few dating sites, Match, Zoosk, but it was OurTime that brought Pauline into my life. In this picture, we were walking the boardwalk down at Heritage Park. I love it down there. You can see Battleship Cove with the Big Mamie, USS Massachusetts, the Russian trawler Hiddensee, the sub Lionfish, and the USS Joseph P. Kennedy Jr., and other PT Boats and landing craft.

It was great to walk along the waterfront at Heritage Park. Of course, my hair took a beating with the wind. It was a beautiful day and we walked past the Cove to the jetty where they have benches to sit on while you soak in the sun and the sea air. We finished our day by going to Barrette’s Waterfront and had fish and chips together.

It was a great day together. It is nice to have someone in my life again. We text often and she has been to visit a few times. I plan on going up there next week to stay for a vacation. I already scoped out restaurants in the area. It is nice to feel loved again.

I had almost given up. I almost threw in the towel. Sometimes it takes a little while for that someone special to come into your life. Never give up hope. I pray that this time is the last time for me and that it lasts until I pass.

My heart to your heart, one heart one spirit.

Emma

Why do people have to do this kind of crap? I had my account that I shared everything on. It is gone now. I have reverted to a previous account under my old name and just changed the name back. It is unbelievable that this can happen. I always used a mix of numbers, caps, letters, and punctuation marks but still they got me. I have lost all my pictures, all my contacts. In future, I will regularly change my password to present a moving target. I tried to regain it, but the way they did it was to set up responses to go to their yahoo email instead of my account.

Of course, when I tried to do a password reset they were able to intercept that. Word to the wise, change your passwords frequently. Make sure they are not simple. It is frustrating. I had an old account that I was able to redo, but I lost a lot of pictures and friends. Fortunately, some of my friends joined me on my new account but some are lost forever. I also was part of a number of groups that I no longer have access to. That sucks.

Let what happened to me serve as a cautionary tale.

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. – Harriet Beecher Stowe.

Those that have followed my blogs know that I did one with my personal take on some of the dating sites. I was really getting frustrated with the sites. I paid for premium so they could respond to me, but few ever did. I started to unsubscribe from many. I cancelled Zoosk and Match, though because I bought premium, they are still in affect until they expire. In the end, it was OurTime that found a connection for me. OurTime is for the over 50 set. I felt I was striking out there when someone reached out to me. Her name was Pauline. We started texting and we got to know each other. I found out she was deaf and started to teach myself ASL. There is a plethora of sites that teach, but I settled with this one group for consistency.

Before I knew it, we were arranging to get together. She came down to visit. I made arrangements so I could park in the Office slot so she could have my space during her visit. In the ensuing days, we would find ourselves sending texts to each other. During her visit, I took her to a local Chinese place I used to take my kids to. She taught me a few signs and we used our phones to communicate during our dinner. We connected and had a wonderful weekend together. I took her to Confectioners, a wonder bakery that has the most fantastic tarts. I showed her the craft shop I like to go to get my kitchen towels that hang on my stove. We walked all over with Ginger in tow.

After the weekend, we still felt connected and continued to correspond. I have found myself in love with her. She is supposed to come down again this weekend. I have scheduled a week vacation for me to go there. We are making plans and hoping for a future together.

I know the dating scene can be rough. Dating apps can be hard as people base their view of you on the profile you post and not what is in your heart. Somehow, we have gotten past that. I have really come to love her and hope this all can work out. We have even talked about buying a farm together. I do miss my chickens. I don’t know if I will go back to raising alpacas, but it was an experience I hold dear.

They key is, to never give up. Never short change yourself. You are an amazing person. You deserve to be loved.

My heart to your heart, one heart one spirit.

Emma

For those unfamiliar, ASL, stands for American Sign Language. I had considered taking a class at the local Community College but when everything went to distance learning, I just figured I would learn on my own.

I found a few online tutorials. They have been great. I have picked up a few things, but it would be nice if I could take a class. Fortunately, I have met someone who wants to teach me. We connected online and she is a great person. That has given me even more reason to learn so I may be able to communicate easily.

I have tried to learn other languages before. I used to listen to Russian on the way to work, but still only a minor understanding of a few terms. Of course, I didn’t fare well learning French or Spanish in High School. Part of the reason for issues with French was that my memere’ was Quebecan French. So I would come to her house on weekends and try my Parisian French and she would chastise me. So I would go back to school with her Quebecan French and would fail my class. With Spanish, it was just as bad as I would learn Spanish in school but everyone spoke Portuguese around me.

I really want to learn ASL. I want to become proficient. My friend is coming to visit and she says she will help me. I am looking forward to that. I really want to learn how to sign. I think it is a good ability to have. I have learned a few from some of the sites online.

This site has a whole series and continues to add to them. The symbol in the lower left is the love symbol. The woman above is Meredith. I have found her way of teaching helpful.

ASL, is different than standard English, the syntax is different. It can take some getting used to but with practice, you can sign too. I kind of wish they had a course like this in High School. I think people should learn to sign. Meredith has a course for Baristas so that they can better server the deaf community. I have learned how to say my name is Emma. Of course, you have to sign the letters of your name. I am glad my name is short. Don’t ask me to sign Morgaine.

I am fortunate to have met my friend. It has inspired me to learn. I will take her on a tour of Fall River and surrounding areas. She will teach me how to properly sign and I will show her the city and surrounding areas. I might even take her over to the Borden B&B and Maplecroft where Lizzie spent the last of her days. It is in walking distance. Then again, for me, everywhere is walking distance.

This is a new experience for me. I really want to learn ASL to better communicate with Pauline. When we do run into communication issues, we can fall back to texts. I care about Pauline and hope we can become fast friends.

If you get the chance to learn ASL, I recommend it.

As always, my heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.

Emma

I keep getting memories from Amazon, Facebook, and OneDrive. One was a picture from Boston Medical Center from my first follow-up visit. It has been a long trip. So much has happened since then. My life began to unravel shortly after that.

Despite all that I have come through, I try to stay positive. I try to be support for others. I try to be a light in their darkness. It is my nature. I have had so much to adjust to. I just keep going. I continue to walk each day. It is calming. I broke 2,508 miles. I got the Monarch Butterfly award for hitting 2500. It is a challenge at times.

I heard from a friend about a 5k that would be in my old neighborhood. I decided to enter. I was satisfied with my first 5k. I did it in 49:56. It was amazing to run in the neighborhood I used to run as a kid. I was able to tell people what to expect on the route. I may do this again but train this time so I can shave my time.

I continue to adjust to my situation. My doctor put me on Escitalopram to even out my mood. That has helped. Probably the biggest has been the addition of Ginger, my Australian Cattle Dog. She has been sleeping in the bed with me. She is my constant companion on walks.

I also have met someone. I have not been dating but after two years of being separated, I think it was time. I met her on OurTime. I am hoping we will connect. She is coming for a visit in August. We have been communicating online and via Messenger video. The challenge is that I need to learn ASL. I have been watching many teaching videos. It will be better when she is here to help me.

Life can throw you many curveballs. It is how you react to that that matters. I could have taken the cheap way and offed myself. I chose to push forward. I chose to be that light for those who follow.

I spent so much wasted time feeling like a castoff. I chose to change that. I chose to move forward. I choose life. I choose to move forward. I choose to live life and to share with those who come in our circle.

Know that I say this from my heart to yours, one heart, one spirit. IN LAK‘ECH

So I have been separated for about two years now. I haven’t really been looking hard as I was waiting for my divorce to be final. I have never cheated on her and won’t start. However, I decided that there is no reconciliation in the future, so decided to put myself out there.

I am on three sites at the moment, Zoosk, Match, and HER. As I have tried to put things out there for those who follow, I will share my impressions of each.

Match is probably one of the most well known. I have been on there for a while, but find that they quickly run out of suggestions. I also note that few are in my area. Hard to believe when I have a medical facility right next door and all those nurses, yet few in my city. I also find that despite me messaging people, few respond back. I did have a few, but no meet and greets. I did post that Fall River was having their Pride Day and sent to a few, but none responded and I didn’t see them there.

Zoosk, is a nickle and dimer. They want you to buy coins so you can see if someone responded to you. You also have to pay for a boost. Match at least gives you one free a month. I usually buy the premium so people can respond to me, but Zoosk wants you to pay. I have seen quite a few people I could be interested in on Zoosk, but they block you from communicating. The other thing with Zoosk is that it doesn’t take your range considerations when showing views or such. I think the last one I had was in Montgomery, AL.

That brings me to HER. HER is only available on your phone or tablet. I haven’t seen a website. The site is kind of hard to figure out, but after a bit, you start swiping. I have yet to have a response on HER.

I am really not placing all my hopes on these sites. Each has pluses and minuses, but it is hard to meet anyone. It would be nice to meet someone and be able to get together for dinner or such. Just friends at first and see where it goes. I would prefer meeting people in person, but I didn’t meet anyone at Pride. Well, I did get to dance with Mrs. B. I have walked by her car countless times and loved the Hamsa and Think Hippie Thoughts stickers. We finally got to meet and we danced.

This one’s for all the lovers
This is for people who care
Those who are willing to help others
Those who are willing to share

Take what you have and release it
Let it fly high in the air
Give help to those who really need it
Hold out your hand if you dare

Everyone loves a love
Everyone needs a friend
Everyone loves a lover
’cause everyone needs one now and then

If you should see your brother crying
Reach out and give him a hand
To leave him without even trying
Would not show your kindness to man

Everyone loves a lover
Everyone needs a friend
Everyone loves a lover
’cause everyone needs one now and then

Show kindness and love to your brother
Help him along the way
And maybe he’ll stop to help another
And brighten another man’s day

Everyone loves a lover
Everyone needs a friend
Everyone loves a lover
’cause everyone needs one now and then.