Not A Life Choice – Keep Moving Forward


Probably one of the hardest things to do is to keep pushing through, especially when one is affected by loneliness and depression. I have been dealing primarily with the loneliness, but have my bouts of depression also. That is usually brought about due to the loneliness. I am hoping to get my financial footing so I can get a puppy to keep me company, but for now, I just have to deal.

I was fortunate yesterday, in that, we had a brunch for my Mother’s birthday. I had everyone come over to my apartment and made up, as usual, too much food. Oh the sausage, bacon and most of the ham went but the home fries there is a lot of. I will be eating egg burritos for a while too. Of course, if I was still at the farm, those would have gone to the dogs. The scrambled eggs, not the home fries.

I have some pictures hanging that my son put together for us. It has pictures of my two dogs that passed, Harley and Brandy. Brandy was my girl. She loved to go for rides with me. She would sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, except when I hit the highway and then should would lay down. I think things flying past so fast were not her cup of tea. That picture though, often triggers my depression. It reminds me of a happier time. I keep hearing that things will get better, but struggle with it.

I don’t hear much from Cindy though we are supposed to get together at the farm with some friends, for dinner. She has been busy trying to put the house in order to sell it. I did invite her to the brunch, but she had people coming to help her paint. It is a huge adjustment going from taking care of about 26 alpacas and three dogs, to just taking care of me. It makes grocery shopping and cooking interesting as I am only cooking for me now. It will be nice to see Jazzie again this weekend. I do miss her. I used to take breaks from work and take her for a walk. It got me out of the house a few times a day. Now I just sit at the computer and work all day. I do get up now and then for another coffee, but that is only going downstairs. If I do get a puppy, I will once again have a reason to get out for a breath of fresh air and take a break. For now, I just bury myself in my work so I don’t have to think.

I relate my struggles, not to gain sympathy, but those who are also struggling. I think in finding someone you can relate to, someone who understands your pain and struggle, it helps. One of the things I was told by a psychologist I had worked with back in the 80’s was to treat the negative moments as just that, moments in time. She told me to look back over my life at all the peaks and valleys and see that even in the darkest moments, just keep pushing forward. She reminded me of how many times I hit my nadir only to rise like a phoenix and spread my wings going higher and shining brighter. I continue to struggle, but I also remind myself that I am committed to being a light to show the way for others. My Cherokee friends gifted me the name, Unega Waya, White Wolf. They saw me as a pathfinder and teacher. I embrace that spirit. I will continue to push through. I will rise again. I will shine brighter. I will hold onto this as my creed so I may push through.

My heart to your heart, one heart, one spirit.


About Emma Morgaine Croft

I have been called many things on my journey, Professor, White Wolf, Rainbow Warrior and Spirit Walker. I had a blog on for a number of years. I think the last post was when Papa passed back in 2012. I had also written for World Wide Hippies online mag for a year or so and even won a Golden Note for online writing. I got burned out writing and decided to stop for a bit. The only writing I did was comments on things I shared on Facebook. Unfortunately, that often got into a lot of angry and ugly talk. I try to maintain my cool, but there are just some unreasonable people out there. I found it emotionally and spiritually draining. I saw my niece's blog on here and thought that maybe it was time to resurrect Thoughts On A Cloudy Day. These are my thoughts and meanderings. You can accept them or walk away. I hope that in some way, these thoughts can spark other thoughts and sharing by people around the world. My dream is to make the world a better place for all people. My heart to your heart, one hear, one spirit.
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